Bad midterm grades create need for support pets

By Ana McCasland
By Ana McCasland


Staff Lampoonist


Midterm grades will be released this Thursday, Oct. 22, and, as a result, the Fredonia campus is predicted to be in a state of pure misery, disbelief and anxiety. There have been several reports of students sitting in the fetal position in the corners of academic buildings, awaiting for the inevitable.

This kind of hysteria can only be created by seeing students everywhere looking at their grades and finding a big fat “F.”

Students are, however, attempting to overcome this difficult time, and have been filling out applications left and right for emotional support pets. The animal shelter in Fredonia has had to restock its animals at least once a day due to the sudden influx of students requesting pets. It is no coincidence that this influx happened directly before the release of midterm grades.

To get the emotional support you need — in the form of an animal, of course — simply get a letter from your doctor stating why you need one. Once ResLife recognizes your mental and academic instability, and gives the puppy prescription, a furry friend of your choice will appear at your door the next day.

People everywhere are catching onto this trend, and some are even able to figure out the state of one’s GPA based on the pets that they have or do not have. For example, if you know someone who is completely lacking of any type of pet, then it is safe to assume that they will get straight A’s on their midterm report. Lucky them.

On the other hand, it is pretty clear that students walking around with a train of dogs behind them, a bird resting on their shoulder and a hedgehog in their bag are failing. Some failures have gone as low as to bring their fishbowls into classes with them, staring aimlessly at the fish swimming around instead of paying attention during lectures.

One student, Helena McGee, has received approval to have a horse live in the dorms with her. Her current GPA is 0.05. She was so distraught that she ended up convincing the health center that a horse is the only way to help her get better. She frequently rides her horse around campus, leaving him tied to the trees while she is in class.

“My horse, Awesome Wild One, is my best friend and soul mate,” said McGee. “I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for Awesome. I eat with him, sleep with him, study with him, attend Zumba class with him and bathe with him,”

Good for you, Helena! On behalf of all members of The Leader, we are happy you are getting better. You do you, girl.

If you think you may be emotionally unstable — which, unless you are partaking in some kind of profound emotional cleanse, you most likely are — then go get yourself a pet. You can apply to receive a pet squirrel, cobra snake, sloth or whale, just to name a few. The options are endless for students here at Fredonia.

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