Californians found attempting to literally cut California off from the rest of the United States

 

 

 

ALBERTO GONZALEZ
Staff Lampoonist

 

Californians have had enough! They need to be liberated from the Trump regime. They will no longer stand for this. THEY MUST DIG. The duration of the bureaucratic process is gunking up the procedure of seceding from the United States of Trumps ‘murica. To alleviate this process and act as a natural catalyst to being separated from the U.S. everyone is heading to the state lines. They are digging in an act to awake the great San Andreas fault to finally have the “big one”. Many people would wonder about the fall out and destruction that would ensue from having the biggest earthquake in recorded history unleash its wrath on the californian peoples. When asked the Governor of California said “Although there will be many fatalities and trillions of dollars worth of damage, the loss will still be one one thousandth of the pain and suffering that will be endured during the remaining trump term.”

The logistics are a little sketchy. Citizens started with garden shovels but quickly realized that kind of manual labor takes way too long. Next, they hired some migrant workers but even at quadruple the speed, it wasn’t fast enough.  This has spawned some more religions in the wake of this neverending process. There is a small portion of californians who have started their own religion. They ritualistically eat and stick their head in the dirt as they try to appease the great fault into blasting the countryside with his merciful earthquake of separation.

Now, they’re taking a more assertive approach. New York frackers are planning to come in to start drilling holes to try to get as close to the mantle as possible. They were hoping to lower massive amounts of  C-4 into the ground to create a manmade earthquake. The end goal is to start a chain reaction to awaken the great fault and allow it to strike the countryside with the most terrifying yet sought after quake in all of californian history.

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