[Scallion]: Jace’s Mom speaks out: An op-ed for The Scallion
RUTH JACOBS Guest Scallywag, Jace’s Mom Dearest Gentle Readers, This is an op-ed by the mother of your assistant editor of the Scallion, Mr. Jace Jacobs. First, I would like to defend myself and tell you all that I am a loving and devoted mother to my children, regardless of......
[SATIRE] SUNY Unveils Bold New Strategy to Prepare Students for the Real World
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor In a stunning move that has left students scratching their heads and faculty members questioning their life choices, SUNY has announced a revolutionary plan to overhaul its educational system. Brace yourselves, folks, because SUNY is cutting all programs, effectively transforming itself into a “Program-Free Zone.” In......
[SATIRE] My apologies … (not clickbait)
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor *sigh* I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment. On November 23, I made a horrible mistake. At around 2:30 p.m. EST, my grandfather entrusted me with the most sacred part of a white person’s Thanksgiving: the macaroni and cheese. Unlike Colleen Ballinger, I......
[SATIRE] Horoscopes: Which banned item from my Christmas wish list are you?
JACE JACOBS Asst. Scallion Editor...
[SATIRE] Who will be the next U.S. Senator?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor Ding dong, Dianne Feinstein is dead! Dianne Feinstein, the 90-year-old former senator, passed away on Sept. 23, 2023 and people fought for her spot on the Senate. Even though Laphonza Butler acquired the spot, she does not intend to permanently fill it. Thus, an opportunity arises. ......
[SATIRE] Five Night’s At Freddy’s: A movie review
ABIGAIL JACOBSON Asst. News Editor I’m pretty sure we all have heard of the recent horror film, Five Nights at Freddy’s (FNAF), that came out on Oct. 27. You may have heard good reviews, bad reviews and other things as well. The FNAF movie, in my opinion, was terrific! For......
[SATIRE] Quiz: Which nostalgic computer game are you?
MEGAN KIDBY Scallion Editor I’m gonna be honest with y’all, I’ve been really sad recently. Sh*t just happens and you feel like you’re not slaying the haus down boots queen wig like you really want to. When that happens, I play Wizard 101. What game should you play? Take this......
My qualms with pocketless clothing
ISABELLA INZINNA Staff Writer There’s an age-old issue that anyone who wears women’s clothes struggles with. Something that, for whatever reason, we can’t seem to fix. An issue that many people are very familiar with: Pockets. Everyone loves pockets, they’re very handy. With a good pocket, you can eliminate the......