More students claim free tuition as pedestrian car accidents on campus rise

Eugene Lampoon


Staff Lampoonist


Poor college students will do literally anything to get money. This includes getting run over by cars.

Don’t be shocked if you are driving your 2008 Prius and suddenly see a crazed-looking peer standing in the middle of the road.

Your first instinct might be to slam on your brakes or swerve around this person. This is not a necessary course of action; instead, allow your car to hit the person in a polite way. In other words, hit the target at the exact velocity that will allow the person to be slightly injured, but not cause their immediate death.

Students have been flocking to the only spot on campus, outside of the University Commons, where there is not a stop sign. This way, after they get hit, they can sue the school for its lack of a stop sign. By the end of this semester, there will most likely be 12 stop signs per every square mile around campus.

The Fredonia streets are flooded with people who are hoping to get hit by innocent drivers. Whether they need to pay off a fine for littering, buy a new textbook for a class, or get a ticket for the next rave, students have been on the prowl for their next injury lawsuit.

This recent pedestrian accident craze has started a chain reaction. If a driver’s insurance doesn’t cover it, sometimes he or she will have no choice but to take to the streets themselves in order to pay for the damages. It has become a domino effect of people getting hit by cars, one after the other.

Brooks Memorial Hospital in Dunkirk has been overwhelmed with the treating of broken limbs, ribs and even broken hearts of the students who haven’t been successful with their lawsuit. The Chautauqua County court is beginning to catch onto this trend, due to the influx of pedestrian accidents in the past month.

“This is the eighth pedestrian hit by a car in the past three days,” said Chautauqua Chief Clerk Kathleen Krauza. “Every morning, the courtroom is just flooded with injured people. I’ve been forced to work overtime.”

Students of Fredonia: if you are low on money, consider selling some of your clothes on eBay or making crafts to sell. Or here’s a wacky idea: get a job! It’s possible, guys. Plus, Walmart is always looking for new employees.

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