Social Media Manager and Assistant Sports Editor
Monday, Nov. 27
A student was seen drawing a large pentagram in the middle of the quad. When questioned, the student explained that they were attempting to summon Satan to write their final paper for them.
Chegg’s servers went down at 2:30 p.m. nationwide. By 4 p.m., rioting had erupted campus-wide and by 8:30 p.m., martial law had been declared.
Tuesday, Nov. 28
A student was found outside of Gregory Hall with a bag containing illegally obtained Adderall. The rest of the bag’s contents included coffee grounds and Red Bull. The student claimed to be attempting to create the fictional calzone called the “Study Buddy” which they read about in a previous article from The Scallion. They were unable to grow wings and received a court summons.
Wednesday, Nov. 29
Numerous complaints of loud thumping sounds were reported at Fenton Hall. During the investigation, a professor was found beating her head against her desk. When questioned, she explained that she had been grading final essays for five hours straight and she had to “get the stupid out somehow.”
Thursday, Nov. 30
A student was found rocking back and forth in the far corner of the C-store, shoving stolen chocolate into their mouth and staring off into the middle distance. The student remained unresponsive for several minutes. They were eventually revived by a cup of large black coffee from Tim Hortons and their professor was called in to yell at them for good measure.
An answer key for a final was found in the Science Center cafe. After several lengthy interrogations of students in the class, it was discovered that the professor had placed the answer key there on purpose to avoid any form of grading over the break.
Friday, Dec. 1
Students created a shrine to Don Paul in the Williams Center in the hopes that another Snowmageddon would cancel finals week. After multiple groups took selfies with it and sent them to the Channel 7 Facebook page, the shrine was removed and those involved were asked to stay away from Channel 7 headquarters.