Special to the Scallion
Monday 10:20 a.m.
Kevin Baker was ticketed for vaping in Fenton Hall. He claims that it’s not that big of a deal.
Tuesday 6:00 p.m.
Resident Director Archie Flanders reports a record amount of toilet paper rolls stolen from supply closets throughout Disney Hall. Flanders said, “This is the greatest heist since the 1992 toilet paper bandit.”
Wednesday 8:45 p.m.
Leah Coyne was fined for destruction of property after being seen throwing her coffee at the side door of Tim Hortons. After she found that it was still locked, she claimed she “couldn’t take it anymore.”
Thursday 1:00 a.m.
Multiple Fredonia students were arrested for public urination on Day Street after they were seen peeing their GPAs into the snow.
Friday 12:30 p.m.
Willies closed early after students watching ESPN re-runs of the Bills clinching the playoffs got out of hand. Multiple tables were reportedly broken in half. University Police is requesting information from any witnesses.
Saturday 8:09 a.m.
Late for her rhetoric of vision and sound class, Lauren Doyle was arrested for jumping in front of a moving vehicle on Ring Road in an attempt at free tuition. Sources close to Doyle report she’d been plotting this for a while now.
Sunday 12:30 a.m.
Maggie Wallace was charged with underage drinking after she was taken to the hospital for drunkenly closing her fingers in the hinges of a Grissom Hall door. Wallace reportedly lost the tip of her finger in the accident. Her roommate who witnessed the scene claims, “Maggie was so drunk she didn’t even realize her finger was gone.”