Police Notter


Staff Scallywag

Monday, Sept. 25, 2017

Police are requesting that whoever is using the call boxes around campus to ask if your radio is running to please stop. It is not funny anymore, and it honestly never was.

Police responded to a complaint about loud noises coming from a neighboring room in Schulz while the complainants were trying to use a ouija board. The door was opened, and it was discovered that no one is assigned to that room and nothing was in it.

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2017

Custodial staff filed a complaint about excessive toilet paper loss; the very next day a mob of about 14 mummies were seen marching around campus preaching of equality and mummy rights.

Soccer balls were reported stolen by the occer team, and a report was filed. The team is playing with volleyballs in the meantime.

Thursday, Sept. 28, 2017

While pulling out of a parking space in the Jewett parking lot, a car backed out onto the lawn and ran over a picnic table. A picnic table crossing sign has been installed to warn drivers of potential wild picnic crossings.

A fight broke out between two people in the library over the final copy of a book. Eventually it was decided by rock-paper-scissors as to who was going to be the one to throw the book into the dumpster behind McEwen.

Friday, Sept. 29, 2017

When a professor was leaving his office in Thompson, he heard a strange noise. When he went to investigate it, he found that it was the sweet noise of people losing motivation at record speed. The motivation was then gathered up by UP to be released at the beginning of next semester.

While trying to go to sleep, one student thought it would be a good idea to take some Nyquil and sleep in Starbucks. After six hours, paramedics were called in to ensure the safety of the student, who was thought by some to have died on the couch.

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