Monday, Feb. 27, 2017
3:53 p.m. A raccoon was reportedly behaving suspiciously near Gregory Hall. Rock E. Raccoon, age 2, was arrested and charged with unlawful possession of people food.
5:12 p.m. An alarm was tripped in the vacant Erie Hall. Upon investigation, it was just some entitled college kids who thought they could break into an abandoned building and suffer no consequences, so University Police let them go.
Tuesday, Feb. 28, 2017
2:30 a.m. An unidentified flying object was reportedly seen over campus. Upon no investigation, authorities concluded that aliens do, in fact, exist, but decided that maybe we just weren’t worth making contact with.
8:45 p.m. A mysterious letter was received in Fenton Hall, featuring strange crayon drawings and excerpts from what appeared to be a German cookbook. It was later determined that this letter was just a professor’s corrections to a student’s essay. It is unknown what grade the student received, although from the tone of the cookbook, things aren’t looking so hot.
11:30 p.m. A series of anguished wails were reported in Reed Library. Upon investigation, University Police found a group of students rolling on the floor and tearing at their notebooks, each one shouting some variation of “It’s only Tuesday?!” through reportedly desperate sobs.
Thursday, Mar. 2, 2017
12 p.m. A raccoon was reportedly attempting to enter McGinnies Hall without possessing card access. Rock E. Raccoon, age 2, was arrested and charged with trespass and deemed by University Police a raccoona non grata.
4:20 p.m. You know what happened during this one, you stinking degenerate. Put the Devil’s Lettuce away and call your mother.
Friday, Mar. 3, 2017
9:29 p.m. University Police received a call that an occupant of Schulz Hall was improperly using memes both on social media and in-person. Kurt Lenry, age 21, was arrested and charged with using that GIF of the guy looking surprised without a license and ordered to 30 hours of community service.
10:46 p.m. A fire alarm went off in Disney Hall. Upon investigation, University Police ascertained that the cause was a burnt bag of popcorn.
10:52 p.m. A fire alarm went off in Disney Hall. Upon investigation, University Police ascertained that the cause was another burnt bag of popcorn.
10:59 p.m. A fire alarm went off in Disney Hall. Upon investigation, University Police wondered how in the hell did you people get into college? There’s a button that says “popcorn,” for Christ’s sake!
11:30 p.m. A raccoon was reportedly seen making lewd gestures at passing vehicles near Central Avenue. Rock E. Raccoon, age 2, was arrested and charged with fighting the power.