SEXFest reveals seedy underbelly of Fredonia social scene

PATRICK BENNETT

Staff Lampoonist

 

FWIMFest (First Weekend in May) ended on a surprisingly good note with only 300 reported arrests. Half of these arrests were made either inside or outside of the new festival grounds: SEXFest.

The first annual SEXFest was created and condoned by the owners of local hot spot Sunny’s and its weird twin sister Dazzlers Cabaret (formerly known as Baby Dolls Cabaret: RIP).

At first, the idea seemed ludicrous to owner of Dazzlers, Gim P. Jones. But that thought quickly changed due to the abnormal amount of sexual tension brewing in the shadows of FWIMfest.

“The idea of SEXFest came to me when I least expected it. I went out for a drag and saw a couple outside of Sunnys just staring at each other and doing this weird tribal dance. There was so much tension that waves of heat were being produced and hitting me like a sexual tsunami of bad decisions. This is when I knew we had to act,” Jones said.

Jones contacted the owner of Sunny’s, Carlos Caliente, in order to synthesize the festival. Caliente, who had been recently divorced by his wife Darla, was more than happy to oblige.

“Gim and I go way back. When he had this idea to make some kind of festival that was sex themed I shrilled with joy. I had tears in my eyes. Maybe it was the ecstasy or the white wine. Either way it was the most beautiful moment of my life. It was better than the birth of my own daughter,” Caliente said.

Within milliseconds, various rules, drink specials, games, musical acts and prizes were established for the festival. During that cold Friday night in April, student Patrice Palize gained satisfaction in his suffering.

“That night I wore my finest assless chaps. I thought, ‘This is the perfect opportunity to bust out these bad boys and not be judged by my classmates.’ I was so right, and so wrong at the same time,” Palize said while biting his lips and giving the Lampoon interviewer weird looks. Palize even went as far as showing the Lampoon his branded buttox that read “Sex’d 2016” on it.

SEXFest was held in and around the two nightclubs. In order to gain entry into the clubs, students payed with condoms. Condoms were currency, with Trojans being the highest form and Durex being the lowest.

“I payed around 20 Trojans to dunk a topless dancer into a tub of KY jelly. It was the nastiest and most gratifying thing I’ve ever seen,” President of the senior class JoJo Hopkins said.

Students could pay condoms in order to enter the prize raffle. Prizes included: X-rated DVD combo packs, erotic jelly, rhinestone heart pasties, a dope fifty-inch flat screen and an intimidating banana looking device that was around 12 inches in length.

Frat brother and weightlifting extraordinaire Donothan Biceptual ended up winning the banana looking prize.

“I’ll probably end up giving this to my girlfriend. She complains that ‘I don’t have it anymore’ anyways,” Biceptual said with watery eyes.

Most arrests at SEXFest occurred because of the drunken rowdiness on the dancefloors of each establishment. The drink specials were priced at one Durex per pitcher and two Durex for a long leather boot full of Mr. Boston vodka. Sex on the beach, surprisingly, wasn’t sold that night.

Fredonia faculty members were spotted cutting the rug and engaging in SEXFest activities on both Friday and Saturday nights. Despite crime rates, the success of SEXFest 2016 has students, and faculty, engorging with joy for next year’s sexual festival.

 

decided to name the restaurant “Mickey’s D Spot”

   After Mcdonald’s was changed to Mickey’s D spot, the Yelp reviews came pouring in. Anonymous Yelper “Ms.NikkiNaughty69” chimed in with a favorable review.

  “Me, my boyfriend Donny, and my lil’ son Georgie went to Mickey’s D spot for dinna’ on Friday. Sure, we had to

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