Taylor Swift breaks Pitchfork scale with cripplingly bad album

Issue 13AMBER MATTICE

Managing Editor

 

Taylor Swift is out to change her reputation through her new album, “Reputation,” which was released on Nov. 10. Through a different, way-worse sound and standardly whiny lyrics, she has given herself a new image, but not exactly in the way that she had planned.

Pitchfork, the Rotten Tomatoes of the music world, has an average score of about 6.5 for most albums reviewed and are notorious for having given seven total albums a solid zero.

These include Travis Morrison’s “Travistan,” Sonic Youth’s “NYC Ghosts and Flowers,” Liz Phair’s self-titled album, Robert Pollard’s “Relaxation of the Asshole,” Flaming Lips’ “Zaireeka,” John Frusciante’s “Smile From the Streets You Hold” and Kiss’ “Music From The Elder.”

Our fave fairweather feminist and below-average musician, Taylor Swift, recently broke the scale by creating such a cripplingly bad, truly horrendous, eardrum-shattering and tear-inducing album that the poor souls at Pitchfork had to change their scale to include ratings below zero.

They have not yet revealed what the new scale will include, but they did insinuate that the scale will go to a minimum of negative infinity, at the very least, to ensure that Swift’s new album would be judged as accurately as possible.

Though this new reputation may seem unfair to many readers, there are a few reasons why Pitchfork is actually being kinder than they should be.

To start, the title is not very original, so T-Swift could have at least tried a little harder on that front.

Like, I get it. She doesn’t want to be the good girl next door, but really? I expect more. Even from her.

My next point is on more of a personal note but is still important and needs to be said.

HOW COULD SHE WRITE A SONG IN WHICH SHE ADMITS THAT SHE USED THE BEAUTIFUL BRITISH MAN THAT IS TOM HIDDLESTON AS A GODDAMN REBOUND?

In her song “Getaway Car,” she basically said that she used Hiddleston to get over her ex-bae Calvin Harris. I would like to know why she thinks she can just use someone as precious and pure as him like that. She loses at least every point on the scale for that alone. Not cool, TayTay. Not cool.

The next reason, and this is really why Pitchfork needed to reboot their rating system, is the lyrics.

I have never heard the phrase “dumpster fire” personified more than I do when I listen to “Look What You Made Me Do.” The lyrics are garbage. The quality is garbage. The album as a whole is garbage, and Taylor Swift as a human is just garbage.

While Pitchfork may still need some time to rework their completely demolished scale because of the stain Taylor Swift has left on the music world, I think I can sum up every reasonable person’s feelings about her new album in one sentence: You dropped the ball on this harder than I could ever drop the mic after roasting you, so good job on that

. . . I guess?

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