Ten ways the world doesn’t suck

(Alissa Salem/Staff Illustrator)


Assistant Scallion Editor

  1. Larry David, who portrayed Bernie Sanders on SNL during the 2016 presidential campaign, found out this past week on PBS’ “Finding Your Roots” that he and Bernie Sanders are indeed cousins. Why am I not surprised?
  2. Stephen Colbert and Nick Kroll’s #PuberMe campaign raised a total of $999,000 towards Hurricane Maria relief, proving once again that your middle school photos may have a better use than being on your mom’s living room mantle or as kindling. Also, a final donation (and awkward photo!) by Lin Manuel Miranda raised the total to 1 million dollars.
  3. Six dogs are training to become CIA agents where they will serve as K9 officers and I’m not crying, you are.
  4. Are you afraid that the 2020 presidential elections will be equally as traumatizing as the 2016 elections? Worry not — we’ll also have a “Bob’s Burgers” feature film to look forward to, slated for July 2020!
  5. Fans of 2000s Disney Channel rejoice, Miley Cyrus just performed “The Climb” on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,” and you need to watch it.
  6. The calcium in our bones and the iron in our blood come from ancient explosions of giant stars. WE’RE LITERALLY FILLED WITH STARPOWER, PEOPLE!
  7. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don’t drift away from each other.
  8. Within hours of the deadly Las Vegas shooting, online fundraising campaigns began collecting donations for victims and their families. In two days, campaigns such as the Las Vegas Victims’ Fund and #LoveArmy on GoFundMe have raised more than 9 million dollars. See, people aren’t always the worst!
  9. A doomsday prepper donated his entire food supply to Puerto Rico, enough to sustain 84 people for four months. Now THAT is generosity!
  10. A 6-year-old boy applied for a job at a railroad museum and was hired as its “director of fun” — yet another dream job you didn’t know existed.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.


%d bloggers like this: