The Lampoon’s guide on how to get rich

(Madison Spear/Staff Illustrator)


ALBERTO GONZALEZ

Staff Lampoonist

 

If there’s one thing college students are good at, it’s money management. We’re all here because we want to get a degree which will enable us to be so filthy, stinking rich that we can just sit around and watch Netflix all day without feeling guilt or existential anguish. But in these uncertain times, you’ll have to do more than just the basics to become a billionaire. Following this guide will get you swimming in cash in no time.

  1. Always wear fresh underwear, one week at a time. 
  2. Never trust someone with two first names, and always do whatever any mall Santa tells you. 
  3. Keep your money hidden in a good place, but not in the bank; go bury it under something specific, like in the middle of Three Man Hill. I bur — that is probably a good place. 
  4. Try to become the first person to jump from orbit back to Earth without a parachute. If you and your squirrel suit survive, all the endorsement deals will be insane. 
  5. Find rich people to hang out with, and always forget all your money in your “other wallet.” 
  6. Dump all of your money into scratch-offs; they have to pay off eventually. 
  7. Turn popular songs into marimba remix versions and sell them online. 
  8. Invent the next “it word,” and copyright it. The next “bae” or “fleek” will bring in all the cash. 
  9. Auction off your soul online. Maybe it is a rare original. Maybe it isn’t, but sell it anyway. People are willing to pay top dollar for things they can not see (look at how much you are paying to be here right now!) 
  10. Sell bags of oregano to the local police. They have tons of confiscated cash and will totally fall for it. Then rake in the green.

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