The Scallion’s tour of Air Force One

(Jesseca Bennett/Special to The Leader)


Staff Scallywag


Although the government is over a trillion dollars in debt, that has not impacted the budgeting for Air Force One (if there even was budgeting!) The other day, I had the opportunity to tour this plane, which is by far more expensive than my entire life to date.

At first, I was determined not to enjoy the interior, but then I went inside the plane. I have never been anywhere half as exquisite (sorry grandma, I still do love your house so please invite me back).

Anyway, the moment I stepped onto the velvet red carpet, I was greeted by a butler named Arnold with a football shaped head. The tour guide said, “Hey Arnold,” and Arnold smiled and offered me a $1300 cocktail called “Government Shutdown: Liver Edition.” I delightfully accepted and watched as Arnold turned around and opened a fridge (if I can even call it a fridge). The tour guide told me that it was worth $24 million. It was stainless steel but still somehow looked as clear as glass, and when opened, music from the opera started to play as though grabbing food was something to be proud of.

I was then invited to take a seat on the plane where Arnold would serve me the beverage. As I sat my butt on the seat, the tour guide explained that the $50,000 seats were made of llama hair and were covered with Chanel pleather. I reclined back so I could watch a 4K T.V. mounted on the ceiling.

While looking up, I also noticed there was a disco ball. The tour guide said the disco ball was for when the president wanted to hold a plane rave but it hadn’t been used yet. I was then served my drink by Arnold which tasted like regret and flowers, and a woman named Helga who was the plane masseuse came to rub me.

Even though the plane wasn’t actually flying, I could not believe how nice Air Force One was. In fact, security had to drag me off the plane after I discovered the puppy therapy station, where little puppies would come cuddle me and lick my face for comfort.

If I could waste the tax dollars of millions of people for a life like that . . . I don’t know what I’d do.

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