Tips on How to Pass Your Finals with Flying Colors

 

(Illustration by Alissa Salem/Staff Illustrator)

 

EMMA PATTERSON

Staff Lampoonist

 

As Finals Week approaches, now is totally the best time to experiment with some new study methods!

 

  1. Try to find your inner study god(dess) by hiking to the top of the nearest snowy mountain and meditating for a week. Panic when you realize that you’ve missed all of your finals. Avoid consequences and become one with the grizzlies.
  2. Down as much caffeine as possible. I’m talking coffee, energy drinks, soda, straight-up coffee beans. Wheel around an IV filled with Monster. If this doesn’t keep you awake during your history review, nothing will.
  3. Stay organized. As important as it is to always have a pen handy, make sure the most important stuff — “Shameless, your proximity to food, your ability to balance your social life with your Netflix life — stays a priority.
  4. Stow away in one of the food trucks on campus. Learn the ancient art of burrito rolling. Become a food truck connoisseur, never be less than an arm’s length away from a burrito, never think about finals again and live your best life.
  5. Burrow underneath the bowels of Reed Library in pursuit of much-needed silence using only a mechanical pencil and your sheer, blinding desperation.  
  6. Form a simple study group with people from your class. Watch helplessly as the study group grows in number and desperation. Gather off campus in some rando’s house. Consume copious amounts of alcohol. Get locked out of the rando’s house as music blares and strobes kick in. You are at Fred Fest. Sit on front stoop and contemplate your life decisions.
  7. Neglect to study. Choose sleep over flashcards, papers and textbooks. Inform your parents that “everyone failed.” Feel mildly guilty. Repeat.

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