A FULL-BLOWN, FLANNEL-WEARING, ‘L-WORD’-WATCHING, TEGAN AND SARA LISTENING, CONFIDENT LESBIAN
Special to The Lampoon
There is one lesbian in this country, and it is me. While you may have it in your head that the lesbian population in the country is increasing by the hour, you are wrong. If you think that the gays in the U.S. are leaping out of the closet at the speed of light, you are wrong. Okay, maybe I am the wrong one.
If there is anything I know for sure, it is that lesbians exist. They exist in every way, shape and form. It took me 19 years to realize that I, myself, am part of this way, shape and form. But I can honestly tell you, these few short years of accepting it have taught me more about being gay than I could’ve ever imagined.
Being gay can be difficult. We all know this. It is something one must accept and learn to embrace. But honestly, being a lesbian in college can be the worst. I mean, maybe not for someone who has found her one true love while sitting in the back of Intro to Women’s Studies, or for the girl who doesn’t mind having sex with a confused, almost-gay, “I only kiss girls when I’m drunk” lesbian. Both of those things just don’t appeal to me as I sit at my desk at 12 a.m. during my senior year.
I’ve tried the whole “convert a straight girl” theory. You know, the college freshman takes one glance at the confident older lesbian, gets weak in the knees, questions everything she’s ever known and starts buying snapbacks.
But if you want my truthful opinion on how that went, it was pretty terrible. While it felt great to be the lesbian who made a straight girl question her sexuality, it sucked to be the lesbian who had to be both lesbians in the situation. Yes, I’ll let you get away with doing nothing this time around, and the next time, and the next, and the next, and that is where I draw the line. I have never been a great teacher, but I’ve learned you can’t teach a girl to like a vagina. You can tell a true lesbian when it comes to “pants off” time. You can tell who likes lady parts and who will run at first glance. I can’t say I understand why some girls freak out at the mention of a vagina. Probably because I am a lesbian and also because every girl has one — stop pretending you don’t.
It’s okay if we hook up and I take the lead for the most part, but I am not going to sit here and stare at the ceiling while you decide if you are going to wear your big girl pants or not. I’m not one for awkward situations and nothing is more awkward than laying half naked wondering if I’m going to have to find a way to take matters into my own hand – literally. It just gets repetitive and boring. I mean for you it sure doesn’t; you’re having the time of your life. Chances are you’ve already orgasmed more than you have with your past guys combined.
Don’t think that I haven’t considered the shy timid girls who are just realizing they are gay and are too nervous to have sex with a real life lesbian. I certainly have considered them. After all, I was one of them. I can’t say I was completely nervous though. While I had never felt more awkward and I had no idea what I was getting myself into, deep down I was ready to dive in headfirst — again, literally. Before you think I’m a heterophobe, don’t think I’m speaking about every single straight girl out there. (I’m sure some have the balls.) I’m just referring to the hook ups I’ve spent rolling onto my back, awkwardly putting my pants on sooner than I had hoped.
Needless to say, if you are a lesbian and you find yourself charming a straight girl into bed, just remember that sometimes holding out for a full-blown, flannel-wearing, “L-Word”-watching, Tegan and Sara listening, confident lesbian is worth the wait.