NAOMI LYNCH
Special to The Leader
Valentine’s Day is the most overrated commercial holiday ever.
I’m pretty sure that St. Valentine was the bee’s knees, but a lot of people use this holiday to shower “loved ones” with gifts that they could give them on any other day of the year.
I even know of some people who enter relationships JUST for the Valentine’s Day gifts — either they are really clever or really lonely.
For all the uncommitted people out there, we refer to this holiday by a different name: Singles Awareness Day (SAD).
We are not being showered with gifts (even though we clearly deserve to be), and the day passes by just like any other: snacking and watching “Friends” on Netflix.
This year, SAD-ness falls on a weekend, so this means all the people doped on love will turn one day into an entire weekend of nonsense. Who says you can’t have just as much fun as those people being the fabulous single king or queen you are?
So, I present to you: a three day plan on how to kick ass and take names on Single’s Awareness Day/Weekend!
Friday: The Warm Up
Download Tinder — but not to talk to people!
Just because you’re single now, doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever. Don’t rule out possible options, an unexpected day could be just a swipe away.
Go shopping!
Are you that sweet person that buys random gifts for your friends?
Well, those particular friends are all in relationships. They’re more than covered this weekend.
You need to focus on yourself today, and you deserve to splurge, whether it’s a new phone case or some premium moldy cheese from Europe.
If your refund check still hasn’t come in yet, you can always just add items to your cart on Amazon. Unlike a person, the cart will be waiting with open arms!
Saturday: Game Time
Sign Up for a Fun Class
With all this money you’re saving, it may be fun to fraternize with other SAD singles like yourself. You’re going to have to venture out of Fredonia for this one, but download an app like LivingSocial to score excellent deals on food and, more importantly, services such as a cool bartending class or reduced tickets to events.
Take Yourself Out on a Date
Who said you need two to tango? Sometimes, you just have to retreat from behind your laptop and your mountaintop of Maria’s boxes and get some quality food made with love. Some of Fredonia’s best foodie gems include The Brick Room, Ellicott Brewing Company, Rocco’s and my favorite, Wing City. Dress yourself to the nines and savor all the delectable bites you don’t have to share with anyone but yourself.
Sunday: Bask in Your Glory
Wake Up at the Crack of Dawn to Raid Walmart
Walmart is notorious for low prices. Those low prices drop by fifty percent on seasonal merchandise the day after the holiday passes.
Run through those aisles like a fleet-footed goddess and take all the candy and snacks you desire. Hooray for half-off candy!
Buy The Only Cuddle Buddy You’ll Ever Need
You see them every year — those teddy bears at Walmart that are the size of a minivan. Who the hell buys those? Where would you even put it? You certainly can’t park it outside.
Well, who cares about any of that? You should buy one today. Why?
First, the freaking bear is half off.
Second, it’s inanimate. You don’t have to take it on dates or buy it gifts. The only purpose this bear has is to love you.
Third, people are overrated.
So, go on. Buy that bear. You deserve it.
Dearest singles, I hope you sincerely enjoy your not-so-SAD weekend. Don’t forget to tune into Twitter and Yik Yak to see the magic of Valentine’s Day dissolve as you eat your chocolates and lay in the arms of your well deserved, minivan-sized teddy bear. Cheers!