CURTIS HENRY
Sports Editor
“Okay this is an IPA, but I promise it’s good.”
In those 10 simple words, I was lied to. I was hoodwinked. Strategemed. Flim-flammed. Bamboozled.
I had been fooled into thinking that this was it. This was the IPA that was going to change my perception of IPAs.
That simply wasn’t the case.
Rather, the beer I was poured by bartender Michaela Pierce was another attack on my taste buds courtesy of the IPA: Juicy Juice. The only thing preventing me from declaring this as EBC’s worst creation yet is the existence of Stainless Steel. One positive thing I can say about Stainless Steel is that it certainly doesn’t falsely advertise itself: Stainless Steel tastes like stainless steel. It’s as if a bunch of nails were blended up in a rusty blender. It is true to itself. It knows itself. I can respect that. I hate it, but I respect it nevertheless.
Juicy Juice is the opposite. Juicy Juice sounds good, it sounds like it is a wonderful matrimony between beer and the actual Juicy Juice we drank as children. You know — the little boxes of apple juice with the homie Arthur hanging out on the side looking like he’s gonna support you through all your third grade endeavors. Yeah. That stuff.
Rather, EBC’s Juicy Juice is a monster. It’s not Arthur jumping for joy. It’s not good.
This stuff tasted like frothy pine needle juice and was not at all reminiscent of the childhood drink I had come to know and love. Don’t be fooled by EBC’s in-house description here. This is not simply “an unfiltered IPA with strong fruit notes.” No.
Rare as it may be, EBC gets this one wrong.
There may be “strong fruit notes,” but whatever notes are existing are in the wrong key. This blend just doesn’t work. It’s another example of IPAs trying to be something they are not: enjoyable. I was able to finish this in its entirety, but that is only because I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t as bad as Stainless Steel.
It’s time to stop this nonsense. I have tried and tried and tried again. When it comes to beer, I am typically an optimist and will give everything an honest try. However, I feel a diminishing will to pursue new IPAs in a search to find one that is actually enjoyable. The best I’ve ever said of an IPA is “it isn’t horrible” and more often than not my thoughts are “this is an absolute disaster that should have never been attempted to be made for any human consumption.”
At this point, trying to make IPAs happen for me is like trying to make “fetch” happen. We all know the end result. “Fetch” is never going to happen, so what is the point of continuing to try?
Perhaps this is blasphemous and I am not trying hard enough, but this is just an experiment that fails time and time again.
Rating: 1.5/5
Verdict: Not as shameful as Stainless Steel, but not at all fetch. At this point, if you continue to order IPAs, I have no choice but to consider you a more boring person than Kristen Stewart.
