JOSEPH MARCINIAK
Assistant Editor of the Scallion
Spectrum has finally announced the comedians at the comedy show coming up. Two phenomenal comedians. The opener has been announced as a homeless man they found outside of Sunny’s. According to Spectrum, his name is Reggie, and he is a card!
“Unfortunately, some budget cuts on campus also massively cut out funding for Spectrum,” spokesperson for Spectrum, Jeff Jeffworthy said. “This occurred to us after we had announced the comedy show, so we had to make something up quick. I don’t think anyone will be disappointed by our line-up.”
The main act, according to the Spectrum Twitter, is a dead rat named “Chuck” they found on the sidewalk outside the Cranston Marche.
“I don’t do comedy, but I was told I’d get 10 bucks if I come in and tell some jokes, so I’ll be coming in to make some jokes,” homeless man Reggie said.
The dead rat is known for such hilarious movies as “Dead Rat: The Movie” and “Dead Rat: The Movie Again.”
The dead rat was not available to be interviewed. We’re assuming they’re booked.
“The dead rat is the reason I did comedy,” John Mulaney said while wandering around campus looking for something to do. “By the way, I’ll be on campus for a few months, and I’m really bored. Know any good activities I can do?”
It seems like everyone wants to get in and see the dead rat. More than 400 pre-sale tickets have been sold.
“I gotta get in before this guy really decays,” said Frannie Deekay. “I mean, if I don’t see them now, who knows where they’ll be in a few years? Probably just a pile of old skin and dirt.”