From the Desk of Dan Orzechowski, News Editor
A quick guide to terrible drivers
There’s nothing that pisses me off more than someone who sucks at driving. I’m not some perfect jerk who never makes a mistake, but when it comes to driving, I rarely spare people with pity.
For as long as I’ve had my driver’s license, I’ve always driven a below-average, borderline-piece-of-shit car. But no matter how unreliable my car is, it doesn’t mean I go around driving like Robin Williams in Jumanji.
I have had my fair share of long, brutal car rides, and I have seen every kind of bad driver to have roamed this Earth. Some may consider me an expert when it comes to identifying the different kinds of jackasses behind the wheel. So, for the sake of people who know how to operate a motor vehicle, I have decided to share my guide to these nimrods.
The geezer:
This breed drives at an obnoxiously slow rate. Don’t be fooled, a geezer doesn’t necessarily have to be old. Geezers are the people who brag about never getting a speeding ticket. This is only true because they drive at least 15 mph under the speed limit.
They may be the most cautious of bad drivers, but they’ll definitely make you late for something if you’re stuck behind them.
Blinker refusalist:
Similar to people who believe the Earth is flat, people who refuse to use their directionals are likely inbreds. How can you drive a car and ignore your blinker? Part of me believes that blinker refulasists have no idea blinkers even exist. Perhaps these people secretly don’t know the difference between right and left.
The attention seeker:
Usually driving a straight-piped truck for no reason, these drivers could care less about how loud they are. Loud exhausts and scrotums hanging from truck hitches are telltale signs of attention seekers.
The chump:
Chumps are always either half asleep or just ignorant. They’re found driving the speed limit in the passing lane, often times blocking people from going around snail-like drivers. Chumps, for some unknown reason, are convinced that they’re the only ones on the road and never look at their rearview mirrors to see you’re tailgating them.