MARISSA BURR
Opinion Editor
Graphic by ISABELLA RIZZO|Art Director
We’re only three weeks into the semester and I am about ready to start carrying around white spray paint in my backpack.
No, I’m not going to start tagging every construction zone on campus, because that would be a lot of money to spend on spray paint. No, I’m not going to use it to rate the buildings on campus based on their temperature on a scale from ice cream shop to the fiery pits of Hell. No, I’m not going to use it to make fake snow on all the windows so I can get away with singing Christmas carols in September.
No, I am just a distressed citizen who can never find a parking spot. So if I need to, I will spray paint my own onto the grass or on pavement. That way I can’t get in trouble for parking illegally.
I do not have the option to leave earlier to find a space. I am at my job up until 30 minutes prior to class starting with only a five minute commute. I then spend the next 25 minutes circling the parking lot with the other sharks, hoping some blessed soul puts their car in reverse.
Newsflash: this doesn’t happen often enough in the middle of the day. The worst part is when I’m slowly making my way down the row and the car I just passed starts to pull out. Now the shark that showed up late to feeding time can snag my kill and I’m left floundering.
Also, I will not be parking all the way across campus and walking. I will not be forced to hoof it a mile just because I can’t cut through buildings and passageways because of construction. I’m a shark, not a horse.
Side note: why are there suddenly a bunch of reserved spots for certain license plates? Side note on the other side: how can I get one? I’ll even bring my own label maker!
If the parking situation does not improve I am afraid I’m going to have to start creating my own parking spots. I’m thinking right on the lawn in front of Fenton would be sufficient. But once that gate is opened I cannot close it. You will start to see spots popping up all over campus! First Fenton, then Starbucks, plus the Williams Center and maybe one outside the fitness center so strangers will think I workout.
I’m not cruel or selfish either. Once I have left for the day any other poor helpless soul is more than welcome to park in my handmade spot. Students, professors, faculty and more. My only stipulation is that you cannot park in between my lines if you already have a pre-labeled spot with your license plate number. Because let’s be honest, you don’t use that spot enough as it is.
While I have your attention, if we’re going to be making changes to the parking situation I say we should turn the sidewalk that is parallel with the one way in front of Fenton into another one-way street facing the opposite direction. That way we all have another parking lot we can circle for spots. Now we no longer have to risk being driven (haha, get it?) off-campus when we think we see a spot to parallel park but it’s too small for our car to fit because no one in this town knows how to parallel park.
As Frankie Heck says in season three, episode four of “The Middle,” “There are going to be some major changes around here. Major. Changes.” But don’t worry, I’m still talking about parking Mom. I’m not changing my major again.