EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Scallion Editor
Since last year’s surreal Halloween episode, fans of SNL have been waiting for one man and one man only — David S. Pumpkins — to make his Halloween debut. An SNL intern discovered exactly where the seasonal SNL characters are kept when he was instructed to obtain Pumpkins for this year’s Halloween episode.
“I guess there’s a nicer way of saying this, but it’s essentially a dungeon,” the intern, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Scallion. “I couldn’t believe what I saw when I went in.”
The intern came upon a disturbing sight: David S. Pumpkins, last year’s Diva of Halloween and “his own thang,” in a fetal position, repeatedly muttering, “I’m David Pumpkins” under his breath.
Pumpkins reportedly pleaded with the intern to release him earlier in the season.
“You gotta let me out of here,” he allegedly shouted from his fetal position. “This is MY TIME. Who else is gonna eat the candy corn left out by children? Who else is gonna throw toilet paper on people’s houses? Who else is gonna yell ‘ANY QUESTIONS?!’ at unsuspecting strangers?!”
When the intern denied his request for permanent freedom, Pumpkins became somber.
“It’s just me, Debbie Downer and Stefon down here,” he said, wiping the dirt off his pumpkin suit. “I don’t think I can take this for much longer.”
When asked what he did in the dungeon, Pumpkins shrugged. “I mainly practice my finger guns and killer dance moves,” he said. “You know, like any normal Halloween character.”
After being released for the 2017 Halloween season, Pumpkins knew he needed to share his story.
“I guess my mom was wrong,” he said sadly. “I’m not special enough to be my own thang.”
“He has a mom now?!” The intern said incredulously. “I have literally thousands of questions. His story just keeps unfolding!”
As the SNL magistrates debate Pumpkins’ fate, the Halloween Santa is making the most of his time spent outside the dungeon.
“It’s not all bad,” he said. “I have a new Halloween special coming out, I just got my hair done and it seems like the world may end soon anyway,” he said enthusiastically. He put his arm around the skeleton man sitting next to him. “Plus, I have my best friend, Right Skeleton, with me through thick and thin.” When asked about the whereabouts of Left Skeleton, Pumpkins’ expression looked grave.
“He disappeared not long after last Halloween. He was the only one of us to escape. No clue where he is now.”
An anonymous report claims Left Skeleton was last seen drinking coffee and looking contemplative at a truck stop between an Arby’s and a tombstone engraver somewhere in the greater Minnesota area.
“Wherever he is, I hope he’s free,” David S. Pumpkins said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy a new pumpkin suit. This one is covered with rat hair and dungeon slime.”
The Scallion was informed by the intern that the David S. Pumpkins Halloween special would be in cartoon form, a fact the intern simply didn’t have the heart to tell Pumpkins.
“He’s a gentle soul,” the intern said sadly as he watched Pumpkins prepare for his SNL comeback. “I’ll let him live his little fantasy . . . until Nov. 1.”