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[SATIRE] Horoscopes: How did you spend your Valentine’s Day?

ABBIE MILLER 

Editor-in-Chief, Hopeful Romantic 

In my opinion, Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that is as universally hated as it is loved. 

Those who do not have a romantic partner are left hating those who do and those who do are left too blissfully unaware of their surroundings to sense that not everybody wants to see their PDA. No matter who you are, we’ve all been in these positions before. 

Hope is not lost though. There is a possibility that those who do not have a partner are content to spend Valentine’s Day with family and friends and that those who are in a relationship are fighting the entire day instead of enjoying it. 

With all of the paths that your day could have taken, I’ll give you the final summary of how I think your sign spent their Valentine’s Day.

Aries

With the love of your life

You spent your Valentine’s Day in one of the best ways possible: cuddled up with your special someone. There are few things in this life that beat spending the day with someone who is unconditionally enamored by your presence and delighted by your personality. You learned this firsthand last week, as you gazed into the love of your life’s eyes and told them exactly how you feel about them.

Taurus

Surrounded by family

Many people mistake Valentine’s Day as a holiday centering around one specific type of love — the romantic kind. But surrounded by people who understand all of your quirks and appreciate you not just despite them but because of them? That’s something special in and of itself. You learned the importance of taking familial love into account this Valentine’s Day as you enjoyed the presence of those who watched you grow into the person you are today. 

Gemini

Watching a 2000s era rom-com

“When Harry Met Sally”, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, “13 Going on 30”, “27 Dresses”, and “Crazy Stupid Love” — all movies which were on your roster of what to watch this Valentine’s Day. No matter which of these star-studded, swoon-inducing spectacles you viewed, your joy for Valentine’s Day was renewed all the same. There are just some people who love love and, my friend, one of those people is you.

Cancer

Curled up by a cozy fireplace

Despite the fact that spring looms around the corner like a silver lining to the brutal cold, you don’t really mind the chills you get every time you go outside — at least not when you’re sitting in front of a glowing fireplace. You spent your Valentine’s Day perched in front of sizzling logs, waiting for a nice cup of hot cocoa to fill your stomach. 

Leo

Treating yourself to a college student’s “five-star dinner”

Why would you wait for someone else to do it when you can do it yourself? This was exactly your mentality when you showed up to the c-store with nothing but a FredCard and 75 spare points. Frozen meals and salty snacks galore, you stacked your arms full of all of the sweet and savory items you could find, and walked out having spent only 30 more points than you originally intended. 

Virgo

Enjoying the small things in life

You’ve had it tough since the new year began, and unfortunately Valentine’s Day wasn’t an exception to this pattern. But despite being in the pits during a day when you should feel at your best, you paid attention to the smaller blessings in life that sometimes go unnoticed by others. Your caring family, your belief in yourself and your ever-supporting friends were your focus throughout the pandemonium around you. 

Libra

Feeling the love of those around you

Whether it concerns your romantic partner(s) or your friends and family, you are well-loved by all of those who encounter you. This was made apparent this Valentine’s Day more than ever. You were showered with the love and appreciation that you deserve and treated like the royalty you are. 

Scorpio

Listening to your favorite break-up album

I know you think that this whole holiday is overrated and that Valentine’s Day, along with every couple to ever exist, should be thrown into a fiery pit and eradicated forever. That’s why you spent Valentine’s Day listening to your favorite break-up album. “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse, “Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac, and “Lemonade” by Beyoncé are already major records in your music rotation, but they got extra streams last week. 

Sagittarius

Crying, but then laughing 

It took a while, but you put that tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down and dried your eyes. It’s hard sometimes to see the blessings that you have instead of all of those that you don’t — especially for those who are single on a holiday where romance is inescapable. But despite the valid crashout, you were still able to have a fun time by yourself by tuning in to some comfort TV and laughing along to your favorite Melissa McCarthy movie. 

Capricorn

Eating all of the chocolates you received in one sitting

There’s no shame in this. So you struggle a bit with self-control when it comes to chocolatey treats. Don’t we all? Everyone knows that the serving sizes on the back of the package are suggestions, and what are you if not a rule-breaker? You’ve forged your own path in life, but a few nights ago that path may have led you to the nearest bottle of Tums. 

Aquarius

Having a snowball fight

Whether or not you’re from Western New York, you have always had an appreciation for the snow. You have frequently shocked your peers by expressing your tolerance of it, particularly amidst the seemingly never-ending Fredonia snowstorms. On Valentine’s Day, you took advantage of all of these flurries by challenging your partner to a duel. 

Pisces

Making fun of couples

You have no shame, but there are times you believe that others should. This is exactly why you spent your Valentine’s Day crouched over your phone, scrolling through couples’ social media posts and playing the age-old game “siblings or dating?”.

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