AVA-CLAIRE BORING
Special to The Leader
Graphic by AVE-CLARIE BORING| Special to The Leader
I would not wish braces on my worst enemy, especially when you go to the cheapest orthodontist in town.
My orthodontist (named Dr. Floor for privacy reasons), was cheap for the soul reason that he was caught soliciting a prostitute while running for mayor, and now nobody wants braces from a perv.
The orthodontist was my worst nightmare, which was strange coming from someone who was never afraid of the dentist as a kid—not because of the braces he was putting on me, but because of his uncomfortably wide smile accompanied by Extreme Mouth Breathing Tendencies (EMBT).
This orthodontist would hover three inches over my teeth, breathing coffee-scented breath directly into my mouth, completely unmasked.
I wasn’t prepared for what braces would do to my life.
My least favorite part was that after I smiled, my top lip would get stuck to my top row of braces, and I had to consciously move my lip back down.
I wasn’t prepared for the random pieces of food that would launch out of my mouth at any given time or the sudden awareness of how slimy my teeth felt as soon as my braces came off.
These are just the little things you take for granted when you don’t have braces.
My braces process was very rough and very long.
The day I got my top braces, Dr. Floor put brackets on all my teeth except for one of my front teeth, which was the end of the world for a 14-year-old.
I think the words I used were “social suicide.”
After the next couple of visits, I got my front tooth bracket and my bottom braces put on, but I was not in the clear. Dr. Floor determined that my bottom teeth were far too crowded for each tooth to have a bracket, so he excluded one of my front bottom teeth when gluing the brackets on.
When I finally thought my face was fixed, I now had a relatively straight bottom row, except for one bottom tooth sticking straight up and pushed back while all of my other teeth were pulled forward.
My teeth stayed like this for a solid couple of months, and it was all I could think about when smiling, eating, or even talking.
When Dr. Floor finally put that last bracket on my bottom tooth, I felt my confidence significantly increase.
After a couple more visits, Dr. Floor determined my teeth were still too crowded.
Upon making this observation, he decided to squeeze a thin file between my crowded teeth and saw back and forth to create space between them.
It was the most painful experience I’ve ever had at any doctor.
I want to finish off my horror story by saying that not every application process is as horrific as mine.
In fact, most aren’t horror stories at all.
If I had any advice to give to my braces baddies, it would be that you are still beautiful with braces!
Make sure you brush twice a day so you don’t get those little yellow squares on your teeth after getting them off, and always keep those little brushes so you can get the gunk out after every meal.
The most important piece of advice would be to WEAR YOUR RETAINER!
Also, do your research before trusting someone to be all up in your mouth.
Orthodontists, if you’re reading this, pop a Tic-Tac before you go to see a patient.