AWKWARD ANNIE
Special to The Lampoon
Nothing quite compares to the heightened terror that comes with feeling like you are going to fall. It is as if gravity is a hand pulling you to the depths of the Earth. You try to maintain equilibrium by flailing your arms around like a lunatic, praying that you don’t break every part of you on the way down.
Falling in public has to be one of the easiest ways to draw attention to yourself. Even if you lightly trip, you still end up shouting some sort of profanity and then laughing at yourself because, well, what else are you going to do? Everyone turns around to look at you and the eye contact you end up sharing with strangers is priceless. You can tell they feel bad for you, but at the same time they’re wondering why you forgot how to walk.
The worst is when you are walking with your friend and you trip mid sentence and then decide to blame it on the uneven sidewalk — like it was the ground’s fault for getting in the way of your foot.
The other day I had to speak to a group of about 15, and everything was going fine, until I decided to sit on a table that was in the room. Public speaking has never been a strong suit of mine. My throat closes up sometimes and I get really stutter-y and I have to move around a lot. So when I sat down, I brought the half of that table down with me and almost fell before I jumped off. I looked like a deer that was about to get hit by a car and I let out a weird ghost noise that I’ll probably never be able to replicate again.
When I finally stood still I laughed at myself to hide the fact that I was mortified and then gazed at my audience, which was trying really hard not to laugh at me. When someone falls like that, you try to act really concerned, but you are mainly just holding back bursts of laughter and end up scrunching up your face in the process.
No matter if you are the most graceful ballerina in the world or the most balanced yoga instructor ever, there will come a time when you trip in front of people and have to face the consequences. All you can really do is say something sarcastic and walk away like the winner you are.