MISSY FEOLA
Special to The Lampoon
If you haven’t heard yet, then you must be living very far under a rock. The next season of CBS’s “Survivor” will be set on the planet Mars. Now that luscious water is flowing through the crevasses of volcanic rock on Mars, nothing can stop us humans from filming a reality TV show on the red planet.
The producer of “Survivor,” Mark Burnett, was willing to give The Lampoon some information on this upcoming season.
“The contestants will be travelling in a Spacecraft for 942 hours, or 39 days,” said Burnett. “They will be put in a state of hibernation during this time, and when they wake up, they will be on Mars.”
The contestants’ diet will be strictly Mars soil. According to Jimmy the Astronaut, Mars soil holds nutrients such as sodium, potassium, chloride and magnesium. He also says that it tastes a lot like Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
“If they don’t like the taste of pumpkin spice, it is very much a possibility that the contestants will resort to cannibalism,” Burnett said. “Or martianabilism, which means the eating of aliens.”
While some contestants may choose to eat the aliens they find, others may choose to fornicate with them. If a Martian-human baby is conceived, he/she/it will receive a lot of attention when he/she/it gets back to Earth. Who knows: it could become the future leader of the free world.
The contestants will be given an oxygen tank with 0.55 kilograms of oxygen in them. If they run out, Burnett said they will have to think of a way to get their own oxygen.
“We only have so much oxygen to spare,” says Burnett. “If they run out, that’s on them for breathing too heavily. They should be smart enough to be frugal with their breaths.”
The average temperature of Mars is minus 80 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s only 50 degrees colder than the average winter temperature in Fredonia. So, as long as they have the basic skills needed to keep warm, they should be fine.
A rumor has also been surfacing that Big Brother champion ,Steve Moses may make a surprise appearance on Mars at some point during the filming. When asked if this means that Moses might be one of the contestants in the “Survivor: Mars” season, Burnett refused to comment.
The season is set to air in Jan. 2016. TV show analysts predict it to be the number two most-watched show in America, only second to “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”