THE FEVER
Assistant Lampoonist
America: Land of the free, home of the brave. For 240 years, our country’s culture and lifestyle has been based off the principles of the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. However, “It’s been a long time coming, but I know a change is gonna come,” as Sam Cooke famously said. And who better to learn from than an isolated totalitarian dictatorship?
For the past couple years, the United States has taken the helm as the self proclaimed “world police,” bringing our presence far and wide — everywhere except in our own country. Perhaps now is a better time than ever to take a step back and take some tips from our buddies over in North Korea:
Isolation: After many years of trying to help other people out with their problems, why don’t we go dark for a bit? In that time we could work on our own issues, rather than issues outside of the country.
Athleticism: While the United States is impressive in its sporting, there is much room for improvement. In fact, did you know that North Korea’s former leader, Kim Jong-il, scored a perfect score in golf with 18 holes in one? And that’s totally not fabricated information, that’s a promise.
Camps: More specifically, summer camps for grown ups. North Korea has been rumored to have many of these in isolated areas of the country. They are a fun place for adults to act like kids again, and they aren’t shady by any means.
More Katy Perry: Everyone loves Katy Perry, especially Kim Jong-un. If you haven’t watched “The Interview,” which is loosely based on events that might have happened, Kim is a big fan of the American pop sensation.
Extreme Nationalism: As demonstrated by Donald Trump recently, nationalism is a beautiful thing and perhaps the only exception to having too much of a good thing being a bad thing. Singing about freedom everywhere and crushing our enemies under the boot of freedom sounds like a glorious way to spend a saturday night!
Solving Obesity: Here’s a quick fun fact: 36 percent of American adults are considered obese. With a population of 318 million, that’s a lot of McDonalds fanatics. Even though their population is significantly smaller, only four percent of North Korea’s population is considered obese. As a country, we need to stand together, reduce our food production significantly, and eat a grape a day if we are to fight obesity.
Total Government Replacement: Some point after World War II, it was decided that Communism and family-run government would be the best course of action. As it turns out, with the evidence listed above, Kim Il-sung wasn’t wrong. Since its formation, North Korea has thrived as a nation, all the while committing no human rights violations.