EMMO
Staff Lampoonist
You may have seen some students last week whiz by like Speedy Gonzales trying to get out of a Trump rally — or maybe they were so quick that you didn’t. You also may have noticed some of your fellow classmates engaged in all kinds of erratic behaviors, such as doing bicep curls in the shower or blending eggs into their coffee.
Has Fredonia gone completely mad?
Maybe so, but that’s another issue. The real culprit here is a classic case of misunderstanding — aka the major plot device in every single romantic comedy ever.
Last week was Rush Week, so all of prospective fraternity and sorority recruits have been trying to prove they have what it takes to give in to peer pressure. However, clearly Fredonia is full of complete literalists — recruits interpreted Rush Week as meaning they literally had to rush through the entire week.
Trying to prove themselves worthy, recruits have been doing daily activities as fast as humanly possible, sometimes multitasking.
There have been at least five cases of freshmen males injuring themselves trying to work out in the bathroom — three weightlifting in the shower and two trying to shoulder press on the toilet.
One student caused a fire in Kasling by attempting to dry her clothes in her microwave instead of waiting for a dryer to be open.
Anne Tysocial, a psychology major, told The Lampoon that she saw her roommate crack eggs into a to-go cup of coffee, stir it up and then take a swig. Tysocial said that her roommate “never leaves” their room, but on that morning she “seemed to be in a hurry.” She said she didn’t really question why her roommate was acting differently but just enjoyed not seeing her “dumb ugly face for once.”
Some students even took it upon themselves to go through a midlife crisis — they solemnly looked at pictures of themselves when they were younger, lamented over missed opportunities and friendships lost, bought motorcycles and even fantasized about cheating on their imaginary spouses.
However, art major Ron Generation had completely different ideas about Rush Week. His roommate, Ira Tabul, told The Lampoon that if he heard Rush’s “Tom Sawyer” played “one more damned time,” he would “personally track down Geddy Lee and strangle that annoying high-pitched squealing piece of shit!”
Hopefully students will learn the lesson to not be so literal-minded before “Dead Week” comes around, or else it’ll be a long seven days listening to Jerry Garcia.