EMMA PATTERSON
Assistant Lampoon Editor
Food delivery is about to get a whole lot more magical. One of Fredonia’s best Harry Potter-themed cafes, A Spot and A Spell, recently announced its plan to deliver food to campus via carrier owls.
The announcement has been met with all-around excitement/joyous hysteria from wizards and muggles alike.
“I just keep wondering how 2017 is going to mess this up,” Peter Smith, a junior, said as he waited for his carrier owl to arrive with his chamomile tea and breakfast sandwich. “I mean, cute little owls are literally bringing me food. It’s way too pure for this world, right?”
Indeed, there are several reports of students fainting upon seeing the owls dressed in little Pizza Hut-style uniforms with tiny fanny packs filled with change around the middle.
“I’ve started to order food when I’m not even hungry,” Trevor Davis, a senior, said, with a slightly manic look in his eyes. “I’m literally going broke, but it’s worth it when I see that owl tapping on my window with a danish in his little talons and an annoyed look on his face.”
“How has no one had this idea before?” Zoey Peterson, a sophomore, asked as she waited for her cage-free dragon eggs and unpasteurized manticore milk. “I’m just waiting for the day pizza is delivered by puppies and kittens. Then everything in my life will truly fall into place.”
The carrier owls are being praised for their ability to find students anywhere in the Fredonia area, and at all hours of the night.
“I ordered, like, fifty pancakes the other night at around 3 a.m. I was a little worried that the owl would get lost, but it found me right here, in the middle of the woods,” local centaur, Paul, said. “I’ve been through, like, six Calios guys. They can never find me.”
A few students, however, have managed to find problems with the carrier owls.
“Who wants to get food directly out of an owl’s little feet?!” Draco Johnson, a freshman, said angrily. “I mean, you can tell they keep dropping your food into puddles and stuff. What we really need are carrier hawks, amirite?”
Some students see the advent of carrier owls as a sign of what’s to come.
“This could truly revolutionize the carrier owl industry,” Nina Jones, senior business major, said. “I, for one, look forward to the day when owls take over Uber, Postmate and maybe even Airbnb,” she said. “We’re talking cross-habitation here. Who wouldn’t want to see how the other half lives?”
“Um, yeah, please don’t try to ‘bond’ with us,” Henry Featherton, a carrier owl, told the Lampoon. “We’ve got enough on our plates, what with customers trying to pay us with mouse carcasses and all. Please, just let us do our jobs, okay?”