Picture from courtesy of thelostogle.com
LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
In two weeks, beloved scientist, educator, entertainer and activist Bill Nye will be in Fredonia giving a speech. While this is certainly exciting for the university and the community, it is even more exciting for me, because Bill Nye and I have been destined to become best friends since I first heard the rousing Bill Nye the Science Guy theme song sometime in the mid-nineties. I now present the top five ways I envision Bill Nye and I becoming best friends.
1. We get stranded somewhere — Being stranded anywhere with a stranger can be tense and awkward, but with the right attitude it can also be a great opportunity to establish a rapport with someone and work your way into their life. This is why I would derive profound, existential-type gratification from finding myself stranded 50 miles from civilization with nothing but my soon-to-be pal Bill Nye and one bottle of water between the two of us. I don’t know how we got stranded. It just happened. Over the course of our trek to the nearest pocket of civilization, working together to navigate using the stars, I’d impress him with my knowledge of forestry and engage him in several profound conversations touching on such subjects as death, life, love and God.
2. I just straight up ask the guy to hang out with me. I will concede that this one is a little bold, especially considering the fact that a figure of Bill Nye’s eminence probably gets this I’m-your biggest-fan thing all the time. Also I’m not even sure I’ll be able to see him speak. But I harbora shred of genuine belief that if I bust into the venue while he’s speaking and just shout at him that we should chill, he’ll be so struck by my earnestness and dedication that he will realize that I’m a totally chill guy with whom he should definitely strike up a lively Twitter-and-Snapchat correspondence.
3. I do some science, and Bill Nye sees me do it. To prepare for my boy’s upcoming visit, I’ve been watching — well, studying, really — old episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. So I’m fairly confident that I know pretty much all the science. So when Bill Nye is on campus I’ll make sure he’s watching and then litmus test my coffee or something, at which point Bill Nye, observing, will say something to the effect of “That guy is super good at science and a worthy companion.” Then we’ll hop into his time-travelling spaceship disguised as an old-school British police box and we’ll go tearing around the universe solving space crimes and learning a little something about ourselves and the world in the process.
4. Hollywood-type “cute meet.” Scene: it is a sunny September afternoon in Fredonia. Bill Nye strolls along the walkway between the Williams Center and Reed Library, admiring the campus. Maybe he’s seeing the sights between engagements. He’s transfixed by the resplendent autumnal beauty of our campus. I’m headed the other way, absorbed in the task of simultaneously looking at my phone, holding a coffee and carrying three books. I’m distracted, Bill Nye is busy with the resplendent autumnal beauty and all. So of course we smack right into each other. I spill my coffee and apologize profusely while scrambling to gather my books. But Bill Nye is a gracious man and offers to buy me a new coffee. It’s Bill-friggin’-Nye, so I say yes. While in line at Starbucks everyone stares, jealous, as I say a series of witty yet self-effacing things that make Bill Nye laugh a rich, Dumbledore-like laugh. For the rest of our lives, Bill Nye and I make sure to get coffee whenever we’re both in the same city.
5. Getting him to read this article. Please be my friend, Bill Nye.