KELLY CANER
Lampoonist
1. Location, Location, Location!
Dating requires one very important aspect: going on dates. But since we’re in college, and none of us are in position to be swaggin on over to Bob Evans with piles of cash, we have to improvise. The Fredonia campus provides a plethora of romantic date spots, so take that sweet thang over to the Cran-Ban for an erotic dining experience and you say to the cashier, “I’d like to feed a little more, than friend today”.
2. Code Names
Listen, this campus is small, real small and you can’t be shouting out the eye of your affections name in the C-Store like you’re declaring war. You’re going to need code-names, and I know this is going to sound old school but it is very important! For example, this one time I was in Tim Hortons lookin’ fine waiting for my mac and cheese when this piece of sizzling sex strides right up next to me and uttered “Uh, I think you took my drink by accident”. Well OBVIOUSLY this was his way of courting me, so I named him, “Tim Hortons Guy”, to keep it real subtle. Code names allow you and your friends to openly discuss the complexities of your crush.
3. Dress Code
Dressing for your first date is critical: it is your golden opportunity to prove that you don’t always look like the crack addict you do in your 8am class.There is a perfect balance of dressing as though you cared about this date but it only took your ten minutes to get ready. Most likely the first outfit you try on will be a hot mess. You’ll be looking in the mirror with a face of disgust like you’ve just seen yet another girl make her dad her #MCM (which I’d like to say that your dad’s tuna tits are not mancandy). Just find a happy medium: not looking like a thot but not wearing your lasagna stained sweats.
4. Decoding Text Messages
Decoding texts are sometimes for difficult than trying to figure out what the new Fredonia logo is supposed to be (which I’ve decided is a nightstand) This are the things to look out for and of course, obsess over: period placement, sexual Emojis, winkie faces (is it just a nice gesture, or does he want to take you to pleasure town?) and time response. If your man or lady is taking two hours to respond to “Hey, what’s up?” you need to head to Sunny’s and getcha self a new lover.
5. First Physical Contacts
Don’t grope the goods on the first date, ESPECIALLY in the public eye. You have to keep it classy guys. I know that for some of us it has been awhile, and we’re all hot and read like Caesar’s Pizza but listen, you don’t go for the center of the Ultimate Cinnamon Bun without giving the edges a nibble. You have to treat your date like royalty and not devour them like Cranston Waffle. *Serious Note: Dating is tremendously stressful, and I leave with this wisdom: If it is already complicated with someone before you’re even a couple..it isn’t worth it.