The Leader
Scallion

Ask The Lampoon

Dear Lampoon,

Okay. So I had a party this weekend and when I sent out the Facebook invite, I accidentally invited this guy

I don’t like. Now it’s Wednesday and he won’t leave me alone. He follows me between classes, messages me

every few hours, and was waiting outside my dorm building this morning. I tried to tell him it was weird, but

he just laughed and said I was always so funny. How do I shake this guy off?

Sincerely,

Freaked the Heck Out

First, lock yourself in the closet. Okay, now take a breath. The first step is to let him know you mean what you’re

about to say. There are a couple ways you can do this, but we at the Lampoon recommend an assertive display

consisting of fluffing the vibrant feathers surrounding your anus, withdrawing your head and performing a jerky,

skipping dance. If this doesn’t work, add your shrill, chirping territorial call to the mix. Depending on which of the

two of you is capable of appearing the largest, fluffiest and most pissed off, you just might solve your problem.

Let us know how it works out!

Good luck!

The Lampoon

Dear Lampoon,

I’m terrified of the “Freshman Fifteen.” I go to Cranston for two meals a day and load up at least four plates

while I’m there. But I literally can not stop of my own volition. Any advice on how to build better eating

habits?

Sincerely,

A Growing Student

Dear Growing Student,

Try taking advantage of local food supplies. For example, you might want to check out a local farmer’s market

or food co-op, or try foraging in soft soil with your elongated bill, in search of earthworms, insects, freshwater

molluscs and plant seeds. Remember, though, that the ground will freeze in winter, at which point we recommend

either migrating or eating out of the trash.

Happy hunting!

The Lampoon

Dear Lampoon,

There’s a guy I like who is in a couple of my classes. I don’t know if he’s interested in me but I think he might

be, based on a few conversations that I think might have been sexually charged. Lampoon, how can I tell if a

man is interested?

Sincerely,

Smitten

Dear Smitten,

No worries: this is a super common problem! Typically, a guy will begin courtship by inflating the air pouch on

their chests. He will then situate himself somewhere in easy sight of passing females. Then he will proceed to gyrate

the air pouch in order to attract the attention of the aforementioned females. Be alert though — jealous males, seeing

the female’s attention ensnared, may intervene and attempt to puncture your man’s inflated air sac with their long,

cruelly hooked bills.

Hope this helps!

The Lampoon

Related posts

Horoscopes: What should your sign dress up as for Halloween?

Abbie Miller

Why do 10-year-olds think they’re better than me at Dress to Impress?

Contributor to The Leader

Horoscopes: What Papa’s game are you?

Abbie Miller

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. By clicking any link on this page, you are permitting us to set cookies. Accept Read More