Dear Lampoon,
Okay. So I had a party this weekend and when I sent out the Facebook invite, I accidentally invited this guy
I don’t like. Now it’s Wednesday and he won’t leave me alone. He follows me between classes, messages me
every few hours, and was waiting outside my dorm building this morning. I tried to tell him it was weird, but
he just laughed and said I was always so funny. How do I shake this guy off?
Sincerely,
Freaked the Heck Out
First, lock yourself in the closet. Okay, now take a breath. The first step is to let him know you mean what you’re
about to say. There are a couple ways you can do this, but we at the Lampoon recommend an assertive display
consisting of fluffing the vibrant feathers surrounding your anus, withdrawing your head and performing a jerky,
skipping dance. If this doesn’t work, add your shrill, chirping territorial call to the mix. Depending on which of the
two of you is capable of appearing the largest, fluffiest and most pissed off, you just might solve your problem.
Let us know how it works out!
Good luck!
The Lampoon
Dear Lampoon,
I’m terrified of the “Freshman Fifteen.” I go to Cranston for two meals a day and load up at least four plates
while I’m there. But I literally can not stop of my own volition. Any advice on how to build better eating
habits?
Sincerely,
A Growing Student
Dear Growing Student,
Try taking advantage of local food supplies. For example, you might want to check out a local farmer’s market
or food co-op, or try foraging in soft soil with your elongated bill, in search of earthworms, insects, freshwater
molluscs and plant seeds. Remember, though, that the ground will freeze in winter, at which point we recommend
either migrating or eating out of the trash.
Happy hunting!
The Lampoon
Dear Lampoon,
There’s a guy I like who is in a couple of my classes. I don’t know if he’s interested in me but I think he might
be, based on a few conversations that I think might have been sexually charged. Lampoon, how can I tell if a
man is interested?
Sincerely,
Smitten
Dear Smitten,
No worries: this is a super common problem! Typically, a guy will begin courtship by inflating the air pouch on
their chests. He will then situate himself somewhere in easy sight of passing females. Then he will proceed to gyrate
the air pouch in order to attract the attention of the aforementioned females. Be alert though — jealous males, seeing
the female’s attention ensnared, may intervene and attempt to puncture your man’s inflated air sac with their long,
cruelly hooked bills.
Hope this helps!
The Lampoon