KELLY CANER
Staff Lampoonist
Excessive Drinking
Expectation: You are a Sophomore now, so basically you’re a high functioning member of society. You’re above those Freshman days of fermenting your stolen fruit from Cranston. You drink wine and watch documentaries on Netflix.
Reality: You are still the raging alcoholic you were freshman year. There is nothing classy about you, you are still going to be turnt on the ol’ polyijuice potion while watching Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Going to the Gym
Expectations: You are going to be a baseball cap wearing athletic student. You will be competitively increasing the levels of incline from the person next to you.
Reality: You’re going to slap those firmless chaps down on the thigh master, and gaze deeply into space thinking about a pretzel bagel. But don’t feel too bad homie, you are probably doing theequivalent exercise as the cluster of men who jus stare at themselves sweat in the mirror in the gym.
Taking Less Naps
Expectations: Once you’re up, you’re up! You are a productive member of society who does real people things after their classes. No naps or playing Sims for you!
Reality: Without naps, you are death. Without naps there would be no you. You will wake up after your three hour nap and go through your Snapchat and see that your friends had Cranston breakfast (which amazes me how people wake up early enough for Cranston breakfast on a weekday, I’m pretty sure it is a myth). Oh well, it is 4 p.m. and you are ready to start your day!
Participating in Class
Expectations: You are going to contribute meaningful, intelligent ideas to your class.
Reality: You’ll forever be in a class full of people who are way smarter than you. Everyone will be giving answers using big fancy words and you’ll be sitting there like, “well I didn’t know we were all scholars from the 16th century!” I mean, these are introductory courses and everyone is talking like Shakespeare just texted them like “hey girl, here is a real good analysis of this play”.
Not overspending on points
Expectation: You’re going to be the friend in the group that carries all their friends along through the semester. You go into the C-store like a king.
Reality: You’re using feed-a-friends like you have no social life. When you go to Cranston, you go hard. You don’t go to Cranston and get one plate (If you are someone that does this, then you’re doing Cranston wrong).