LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
Traditionally, the Lampoon dedicates its pages to lighthearted, fun content. And we love doing it. But lately we’ve been thinking about Big Questions. For example, how should a person be? And what are our essential responsibilities to one another as humans? Also, what’s the best place to take a dump on campus? These enduring questions may never have concrete answers, but it is only through discourse that we can come to a greater understanding of these issues.
Also, let’s be real: doing the bathroom thing on campus can be stressful and nasty. We at the Lampoon want you, reader, to be relaxed, content and confident in all that you do. We’d like to give back to the community, and so, to that end, we’ve put together a little guide to the best and worst of Fredonia’s bathrooms.
1. Second floor of the library. Personally, I love these bathrooms. Their convenient proximity to the second-floor study lounge makes them great for those mid-research paper, coffee-fuelled dashes for the nearest facility. Not only that, but it’s usually pretty quiet up there, so you have the place to yourself and it never gets like, bio-hazard bad. The downside? There’s only one stall, so it sees considerable use. And if you’re a dude, this means you will inevitably have to make eye contact with another incoming dude. If you hate eye contact with dudes, steer clear. Otherwise, do it up. 7/10.
2. First floor of Fenton Hall. I am not screwing around when I say this place is a hell-hole. It sees near constant use in a relatively bustling environment and, as a result, the room and everything in it is coated in a thin film of nasty. I have a friend who used to work for a police department cleaning up blood and whatnot after crime scenes, and even he opted to hold it until we could locate a better venue. 3/10.
3. Any dorm bathroom. You must never go there, Simba. You all know this. Any bathroom in the dorms is going to be filled with more nasty biological stuff than any place in a forty-mile radius. I’ve seen crazy, f***ed up Jackson Pollock-type nightmares in these places. The only place nastier than a dormitory bathroom is any location within Sunny’s. Thank god this article is about on-campus bathrooms, otherwise I might have to actually go experience the Sunny’s bathroom. 1/10.
4. Second Floor McEwen. This probably isn’t the most notable bathroom on campus, but I include it because you can rely on it to always be at least inoffensive. It is by no means anything to write home about, but the thing is a workhorse. Considering the amount of time I spend in and around McEwen/Reed, I’ve built up something of a friendship with the place. 6/10.
5. First floor of University Commons. The admittedly impressive accommodations to be found on the first floor are, unfortunately, rendered quite unpleasant by the fact of UC’s status as something of an on-campus hub. Frankly, there are just far too many people blasting through that bathroom per day. There’s just no way for basic hygienic measures to keep up with the daily abuse these facilities endure. Only if you must. 4/10.
6. Second floor of the Williams Center. The Williams Center harbors some of this campus’ finest facilities. Chief among these, however, is undoubtedly the downright regal accommodations to be found on the second floor. The sleek, modern design is pretty much identical to the first-floor bathrooms, but what really sets this one apart is its relative isolation: the second floor is all offices and the like, so the majority of people using it are tidy, respectable, decent human beings. Recommended highly