ANITA TENSION
Special to The Lampoon
Look, I get it. You’re wasted. That guy/girl you were talking to slipped out of the bar before you could get his/her number. You’re tired and, although most of the grease made it into your facehole along with the one-pound slab of meat, cheese and carbs you just ate, the box is still leaking grease into your clothes. So what do you do? You drop it there, on the sidewalk.
It’s okay. It is totally okay. I’m not here to conduct a witch hunt or anything. I’m not pointing any fingers. Or rather, I am pointing a finger, but not at you. Instead, I’m pointing at these alternatives to being, you know, a douche.
1. Make a hat out of the box. It’s gross, I get it. But it’s also 2:30 in the morning and your drunk ass is pretty gross, too, so don’t judge. Put the box on your head. Dance around a little. Have fun. Seize the day.
2. Use the box for storing other food. My uncle has this cast-iron pan that he hasn’t washed for like, 15 years. He says that means it’s “seasoned.” This is kind of the same thing. If you put, say, a banana in the Calio’s box, then maybe the banana will get infused with the rich, smoky flavors of the zonie. (I’ll admit I’m less sure about this: are zonies rich? Are they smoky?).
3. Eat the box. Look, I understand that there are things the human body is made to process, and things it is not made to process. But you just put 120 fluid ounces of beer into your stomach and you ate a meat pouch the size of your face. No one’s going to tell you what you can or can’t eat. You’re a biological marvel. So just take it a step further and, like, eat the box. I mean, you did pay for it.
4. Knock on the door of the person who’s lawn you left the box on and let them know there’s a box on their lawn. If there were garbage strewn across your lawn, you’d want to know, right? Be a good neighbor and clue these folks in about the situation you’ve discovered on their lawn. Give them the chance to remedy the situation ASAP. They truly will appreciate your concern. Everybody’s gotta do their part, yeah?