ANITA TENSION
Special to The Lampoon
In a reversal that took the campus community by surprise, Fredonia administrators announced in a press release Monday that they would be abandoning the current campus “Tobacco-Free” smoking policy and instating in its place a “free tobacco” initiative. Under the new initiative, on-campus dispensers would issue cigarettes to students free of charge.
The decision was reached after a meeting was called to address the persistent disregard for and dissatisfaction with the current smoking ban, which has struggled throughout its duration.
“You know what?” the official press release began, “F*** it. Go ahead and smoke. Here, have like, 50 cigarettes. Need a light? I don’t even know why I try. Screw this.”
The free tobacco dispensers will be installed in convenient locations across campus, with many taking the places of the “butt stops” that disappeared last winter.
The decision comes after an emergency meeting called to address the issue of the increasingly high price of cigarettes and other tobacco products in New York State.
“Okay, yeah we get it,” read the press release. “Cigarettes are pricey. And if you guys are paying 10 bucks a pack, how the hell are you ever gonna keep up with the equally steep prices of tuition and textbooks and stuff? Only so many things can be exorbitantly priced at a time, and we sure as hell aren’t planning on lowering the cost of books or anything. So yeah, whatever: free smokes for eve