LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
Seniors love to hate talking about student loans. Actually, probably everybody with student loans loves to hate talking about them — but I think those of us staring down the barrel of graduation in May love hating talking about student loans with a little more overall urgency. Unless you have some kind of rich dad, or fairy godmother or something, then maybe pay attention for a second, because I googled “how to pay off student loans faster” once and so now I’m an expert on this stuff.
1. Move to like, Kansas or something. Maybe it’s not Kansas, but I read on the Internet (where everything is true) that if you just went to one of those underpopulated states like Kansas or the Dakotas and lived there for five years, the government would forgive $5 thousand of your debt or something. So there’s that, but I don’t know what there is to do in Kansas for five years.
2. Be really nice to Sallie Mae. When you get those emails from the collection agencies, don’t just read them and wince — respond! Just ask how she is, what she did today, what she’s thinking about. You’d be surprised how lonely Sallie Mae gets, and how long it’s been she’s tasted the blood of one so young … Yes, closer, my child…..
3. Fake your death. If you do it right, this one can solve a lot of problems. If you do it wrong, it can cause more problems, because this is way illegal. (I’ve actually just been informed that faking your death isn’t illegal on its own, but things like life insurance fraud, evading taxes and ducking out on loans — those are totally illegal.)
4. Buy these magic, debt-eliminating beans I have for you. Okay, yeah: they do cost $42 thousand, but they totally pay for themselves in the long run.
5. Sell your organs. Does anyone remember that guy in 2011 who got arrested for brokering illegal organ transplants? Did you know each kidney went for $120,000? I would give up alcohol forever for $120,000.
6. Go back in time and be born in, like, any other country that has college. Or just work in a factory and don’t accumulate any debt. I don’t know.
7. Wait for the birth of Student Loan Jesus. Student Loan Jesus will default on his loans to save the rest of us from our own loans”