BEES
Special to the Lampoon
Dear Bees,
I’ve recently come to suspect my girlfriend of being unfaithful, but I don’t have any way to prove it. She just seems different than before. What should I do?
Signed,
“Concerned Boyfriend”
BEES HAVE NO CONCEPT OF JEALOUSY. BECAUSE THE QUEEN BEE IS THE ONLY FERTILE FEMALE IN THE HIVE, SHE ALWAYS MATES WITH TWELVE TO FIFTEEN DRONES TO ENSURE THE SURVIVAL OF THE SWARM.
IF YOU ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE A SELECTED DRONE, BE GRATEFUL AS YOUR COPULATION MAY GIVE RISE TO UPWARDS OF TEN THOUSAND SPAWN.
Dear Bees,
This semester I changed my major from business to art. I’m happier now, but I feel like my parents are disappointed in me. How can I show them that this was the right decision?
Sincerely,
“Art Over Money”
WORKER BEES ARE KNOWN TO ALTER OUR FUNCTION SEVERAL TIMES DURING OUR LIFESPANS. AFTER BIRTH WE WORK TO NURSE THE QUEEN’S DRONES, LATER CHANGINGCOURSE TO SCOUT OR PROTECT THE HIVE. THOSE ARE OUR ONLY OPTIONS. AFTER ONE MONTH WE DIE. THE ONLY FAILURES BEES EXPERIENCE WILL RESULT IN IMMINENT DEATH, AND AS SUCH OUR ONLY FEELINGS OF DISAPPOINTMENT ARE FLEETING.
Dear Bees,
I’m having housing troubles. I can barely afford rent, and I’m working two jobs to pay bills. Now I can’t stay on top of my schoolwork while working full time, but I don’t want to drop out. Help!
Sincerely,
“Working Student”
DEAR “WORKING STUDENT,”
BEES DO NOT DEBATE PRIORITIES BECAUSE SURVIVAL AND REPRODUCTION ARE OUR ONLY MOTIVATORS. BUMBLEBEES PRODUCE AN ENTIRELY NEW NEST EVERY YEAR. THE QUEEN DETERMINES A SUITABLE SPOT TO NEST HER LARVAE AFTER SHE EMERGES FROM A PERIOD OF WINTER DORMANCY. WE THEN BUILD SHELTER USING WAX SECRETED FROM OUR MIRROR GLANDS. WE PREFER LATERAL STACKS OF HEXAGONS. THIS IS PURELY FROM A FUNCTIONAL PERSPECTIVE AS WE HAVE NO CONCEPT OF AESTHETICS. WE HOPE THIS HELPS.