DARREN WILSON*
Special to The Leader
Boy, oh boy, what a year! We all certainly had our share of trials and tribulations — or tribulations, at least. No trial for me! God, I’m just so thankful for so much.
1. Miscarriage of justice. Thank god for Bob McCulloch, huh? What a guy. I’m eternally grateful to him for all that he did for me. Did you all see that grand jury? Never seen anything like it. No, seriously, I have never seen a grand jury run the way that one was run.
2. The half-million dollars I received in donations after literally shooting an unarmed person to death. Boy, you guys should have seen the size of the turkey I was able to afford! It was definitely, like, way heavier than my conscience.
3. The 500-year legacy of racism that totally has nothing to do with this. Anyone with a shred of sense knows that the fact that myself, the prosecutor and nine out of 12 jurors were white, while the boy I killed was black, has nothing to do with this. That would be madness. That would be terrifying and batshit insane if it were true. Which it totally isn’t.
4. The superpower that lets me heal almost entirely from two life-threatening punches with implausible speed. The guy literally turned into the Hulk, right? And so when he delivered two bone-crushing punches, the third of which I feared would irrevocably damage my dear and apparently extralegal skull, I was worried I’d look all goofy and bruised up for the inevitable cameras. Thank god I have a supernatural ability to make any and all compelling evidence of the assault disappear. Whew!
5. Implicitly state-sanctioned violence. Listen, guys: the law hasn’t yet unequivocally condemned my actions, so there’s nothing wrong with my actions. But all you ne’er-do-wells destroying property: that is not cool! Stop it! Don’t damage the property! We love the property and, if you damage it, you will be punished. Like I wasn’t. Happy holidays!
*Transcribed by Leo Frank, Lampoon Editor.