RITA PAEPER
Special to the Lampoon
Aries: An opportunity for personal growth will present itself soon. Unfortunately, it will do so in the form of some asshole who sits behind you in class and mouth-breathes heavily onto the back of your neck. Refrain from making a grisly scene and you will be rewarded.
Taurus: You will have the opportunity to vanquish your arch-nemesis. But beware: every second you spend studying, eating or maintaining relationships with friends/family, your nemesis is training. His power grows by the minute.
Gemini: Your mom needs to talk to you.
Cancer: This is the week your emotional walls finally crumble and you find yourself a more empathic and accepting individual. The trade-off is that the new you will be so drastically different from the bitter, cloistered monster you were before that all your friends will be unnerved and stop talking to you.
Leo: You will travel to both the arctic and the antarctic and find one immensely preferable to the other.
Virgo: Financial troubles are on the horizon. You will eat a lot of spaghetti this year.
Libra: You are in a good mood! This never happens, so enjoy it. Your newfound positivity makes you feel energetic, alert and freshly aware of the conditions that first led you to feel miserable.
Scorpio: You are making great strides this week. By Friday you’ll have transformed into a mature, 8-foot long bark scorpion, as all Scorpios must someday do.
Sagittarius:You are realizing there are no easy answers. For example, if you have a dog who’s a Bichon Frise Shih Tzu mix, is it a Bich-Tzu or a Shih-Chon?
Capricorn: You will be unable to cope with much of anything for pretty much the whole year. Sorry. Astrology’s a bitch.
Aquarius: This week you might find yourself lying awake in bed at 4 a.m. listening to “She Will Be Loved” by Maroon 5 on repeat and crying softly into your pillow. Just roll with it.
Pisces: Remember that you have the right to cut toxic people out of your life. This includes representatives from loan collection agencies. Ignore them and they’ll go away.