Capricorn (22 Dec-20 Jan)
February is your month Capricorn! You will be very successful with reeling in the bae’s if you are in the market for some lovin. If not, I’m sorry but you’re just gonna have to stay inside because the hotties will be all over you like bees to honey.
Aquarius (21 Jan-19 Feb)
Do not skip class this week Aquarius, because that teacher that only calls out like ten people for attendance each class will call your name and dock you a letter grade because of your absence. Even though you’re so hungover that you have the spins, get your puke-y ass to class!
Pisces (20 Feb-20 Mar)
Your creative juices are flowing Pisces, so make sure to find a way to show off that magical creativity on the world. Paint a beautiful landscape or go outside and take some artistic pictures of the squirrels on campus. Then show your masterpiece to your friends and don’t feel bad when they criticize your tree painting that looks like a green blob because you are a winner! Don’t forget it!
Aires (21 Mar-19 Apr)
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, make sure you get your significant otter a gift that they will treasure forever. If you do not heed my advice you will get the eye glare of a lifetime and the silent treatment without an explanation of why your bae is mad. They’re mad because you got them a daisy instead of a rose. A daisy? Really?
Taurus (20 Apr-20 May)
You’re having issues with your friend group lately but don’t think it’s you because it is actually your other friends fault so don’t worry about it. Just tell a really good joke to lighten the air and everything will be back to normal.
Gemini (21 May-21 Jun)
Four for you Glenn Coco, you go Glenn Coco!
Cancer (22 Jun-23 Jul)
There are strong currents pulling you toward Libra recently so don’t fight them! That cute person you met at the bar last week wants you to text them too so don’t wait up. They will admire you for getting ahold of them first. Ask them to meet you at Starbucks but don’t order a drink because while waiting for them to show up you will spill it all over you and you’re gonna look like you peed yourself with excitement.
Leo (24 Jul-23 Aug)
You have been having problems in the workplace lately. You feel as though you are not being appreciated enough and want to move up from sandwich making to coffee pouring. Be patient young one, your time will come.
Virgo (24 Aug-22 Sept)
Be on your guard Virgo because your boyfriend/girlfriend will start acting distant lately and it is because they’re thinking about leaving you for their side bae. Beat them to the punch and dump them for your side bae, you player!
Libra (23 Sept-22 Oct)
Stay the hell away from Cancer this month! They are gonna get really stalky and text you first but just don’t answer and it will be fine. If they ask you to meet them at Starbucks just stand them up because by the time you get there they would have already left to change their pants that they spilled a drink on.
Scorpio (23 Oct-22 Nov)
You have been feeling lonely lately because all of your friends are bangin and your sitting there with your Netflix and your Ben and Jerry’s watching Dirty Dancing until the wee hours of the night. Go buy a pet! Get a fish, a bunny, maybe even a bearded dragon. Then name them Henry.
Sagittarius (23 Nov-20 Dec)
Be mindful of the weather Sagittarius, because even though you want to show off that new dress or dress shirt please wear a coat! Your friend is gonna push you in the snow and you’ll want to be wearing a coat because there will be pee in the snow that you fall on.