SARA WILD
Special to the Lampoon
Admit it. You’re sickened, but curious. It’s been the buzz for what seems like years now. You have to see if it’s going to live up to all this hype, but no one can know. Never fear, no one has to know. Just follow my lead:
1) Fandango your tickets: This is the exact sort of thing this website was made for! You can’t be spending any unnecessary time fumbling at the ticket booth and risk being seen. Efficacy is key.
2) Purchase a large trench coat: Preferably one with a huge collar for you to pop up. You want to go into this theater looking like McGruff the Crime Dog, basically.
3) Choose your seat carefully: We’re going way beyond the every-other-urinal courtesy rule. Make sure you have at least four seats in between you and whatever sexually-frustrated soccer mom is closest.
4) Slump: You sink down into that soiled theater seat like your life depends on it. Don’t these Hollywood producers realize you read the book on your coverless Kindle for a reason?
5) Make overly dramatic exit: You did it. You saw the forbidden fruit up on the big screen, and you’re almost home free. You’re thinking that maybe you should wait until everyone else has exited the theater before you get up. Wrong!! The second those credits roll, you rise. Rip your shoes from the sticky floor with some high-knees running and sprint your way up the aisle. Punt a stray bag of popcorn if it gets in your way. Yell a loud triumphant battle cry as you pass by others waiting for the next viewing.
Congratulations. You survived your secret viewing of 50 Shades of Grey. The best part is that no one will ever know. (Disclaimer: Step 5 is non-negotiable for successful results.)