ANITA TENSION
Special to the Lampoon
Confirming the suspicions of many Fredonia residents, scientists announced the results of an extensive study Monday, which indicated that it is extremely cold outside right now.
Citing the pronounced rosiness of their cheeks and runniness of their noses, the scientists concluded that the likeliest cause of this was the fact that it was cold as shit outside. One scientist, who brought a hot cup of coffee outside, said the hand holding the coffee felt like “that thing where you try to grill a burger or a hot dog but it’s not all the way thawed so you wind up with part of it totally cooked and the other part still totally frozen.”
“It kind of hurts, I think,” he added. “I’m not sure. I can’t move it, either.”
The study was launched amid mounting pressure from Fredonia residents for some sort of scientific consensus to be reached.
“Now I’m not a scientist,” said one anonymous resident, 47, “but I keep catching myself curling up by the fire with a good book and a cat, and I can’t shake this hankering I have for a steaming mug of hot chocolate, so something is obviously going on here.”
The scientists say that the first compelling evidence to suggest that it was indeed colder than the blackest depths of outer space came as they were leaving their lab to come to Fredonia.
“We were leaving to start the study,” says one scientist, “and all of a sudden my mother appears and is like, ‘You are not leaving the house without a scarf, Gerald, it’s almost 20-below. No son of mine is gonna freeze to death.’”
“In retrospect, that was a pretty clear sign,” he adds.
At last report, the scientists were making a “blanket nest” and preparing to watch “Parks and Recreation”until they could go outside without their eyes freezing shut.