ANNE ARKY
Special to the Lampoon
Aries: You’re on fire! This is your week, Aries. In seven days you’ll look back on what you accomplished and say, “Man, I sure achieved great things this week — though nowhere near as great as the ascension of Sultan Murad IV to the throne of the Ottoman Empire in 1623 at the tender young age of 11.”
Taurus: There is trouble in your social circle, and you’re at the heart of it, Taurus. You’re questioning whether some of your friends are truly loyal, or if they’re using you to serve their own selfish ends. Sometimes you feel just like the young Sultan Murad IV — trapped in the palace, powerless, a figurehead, while your corrupt family and advisors ruin the Empire in your name.
Gemini: You’ve been wanting to make a change for a long time, but have never quite felt that the moment was right. Well, Gemini, there’s no more right moment than now; cosmic forces are aligned in your favor. Seize the opportunity — like a 20-year-old Sultan Murad IV took advantage of a military coup in 1632 to seize power and execute most high-ranking government and military officials.
Cancer: This is going to be a hell of a week for you. Too bad you can’t reward yourself with a glass of wine; the draconian policies of Sultan Murad IV prohibit the sale and consumption of alcohol within the bounds of his empire. It is rumored the young king prowls the streets at night, in civilian clothes, beheading those he sees violating his decree.
Leo: You’re off your game this week. When you get to class, you feel dumb and unmotivated. Grab a cup of coffee to perk yourself up. Oh wait — you can’t, because the Sultan has ordered the closing of all coffeehouses and bars, as they are dangerous hotbeds of seditious conversation.
Virgo: Problems that have plagued you for years can no longer be avoided. It would be best to deal with them all at once, in one fell swoop, like in Murad IV’s war against the Safavids, in which he conquered large swathes of land, taking the cities of Hamadan, Tabriz, Revan and Baghdad over the span of two years.
Libra: You would benefit from looking inside yourself and asking whether you are practicing what you preach. You wouldn’t want to be like Murad IV, who, despite his strict ban on alcohol, was quoted as having said, “Even if the rivers became wine, they wouldn’t fill my glass,” and, “Wine is such a devil that I protect my people by drinking all of it.”
Scorpio: You feel neglected, shunned by your friends in favor of someone new. Just like deposed Sultan Mustafa I, you wander the empty halls of your palace, plagued by hallucinations, sick with the constant fear of assassination.
Sagittarius: Unfortunately, something you’ve done in the past will come back to bite you this week. It’s not dissimilar to how Murad IV, at the age of 27, died of liver failure after a lifetime of heavy drinking despite his ban on alcohol.
Capricorn: You’ll be faced with a tough decision this week, like the guards ordered by Murad IV on his deathbed to execute his younger brother Ibrahim, heir to the throne.
Aquarius: An unwanted responsibility will fall to you this week, just like the throne of the Empire fell to a young and mentally troubled Ibrahim, the last of his dynasty, when the guards decided to ignore Murad IV’s final request in order to avoid upsetting the political order.
Pisces: You are nervous. The strain of day-to-day life is getting to you. It might as well be 1640, and you might as well be Sultan Ibrahim, plagued by headaches, bouts of physical weakness and laughing fits, as the empire your brother briefly raised to glory falls into a crisis under your feeble reign.