MEL N. KOLICH
Special to the Lampoon
Aries: To forgive others one more time is to create one more blessing for yourself. This is a good week to message that ex or maybe call your parents. Try and remember that free will is an illusion and the decisions they made were determined by conditions far beyond anyone’s control.
Taurus: An investment in yourself will pay dividends for the rest of your life. So will an investment in the right IPO. This is a good week to play the market. Choose companies with listings that you can identify with, like ACE or LUK.
Gemini: Education will never be as expensive as ignorance. But, woah, is this education expensive. Save money this week by exclusively eating rice and beans and drinking malt liquor.
Cancer: A great pleasure in life is doing what others say you can’t. Give a big “f u” to your h8rs this week and learn how to do a backflip, play the piano and/or write and publish an entire novel.
Leo: You will win success in whatever you adopt. Unless you adopt a child. Don’t you remember what your parents did to you? Just don’t have kids, please.
Virgo: All the news you receive will be positive and uplifting. Except for this. Avoid large icicles, undercooked meat and high places.
Libra: It is never a shame to learn from others. Ask someone else for advice this week.
Scorpio: Acting on a good idea is better than just having one. Too bad that you chose to go to college — you have lots of good ideas and no money to realize them. Eat your ramen noodles and try to ignore all the hungry children, you hypocrite.
Sagittarius: The purpose of an argument should be victory, not progress. Unless progress can be achieved through victory. Then, of course, we would first both have to establish an agreed upon context for victory. Even then, it is still really hard to quantify progress. So, as you can see, this is tricky.
Capricorn: The course of life is unpredictable. No one can write their autobiography in advance. But you can write someone else’s biography in advance. You are an intelligent, college-educated individual with lots of smart opinions. Give lots of unprompted or unwanted advice to friends this week.
Aquarius: One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. So stop looking at their profile pictures from 2011 and imagining what your kids would look like, and just message them a marriage proposal outright. The worst that can happen is they say no, right?
Pisces: You can have your cake and eat it too. I mean, why else did you bake it in the first place? Isn’t that a stupid expression?