LEO FRANK
Lampoon Editor
They say to write what you know. Unfortunately, there’s a lot I don’t know. I don’t know how to make chicken cordon bleu, for example. I don’t know why people keep sharing Buzzfeed articles on Facebook, and I don’t know how to work Excel spreadsheets. But there are some things I do know. I know how to remove adware from a computer and how to improvise a decent meal based on whatever’s lying around in my kitchen. And, damn it, I know how to nap on campus.
A satisfying and well-executed nap will consist of three key factors. The first of these is the exact nature of the particular nap you’re trying to take. Do you need to sneak in three or four solid hours of quality sleep? A half-hour power nap? Or is this one of those study sessions that has the potential to turn into a nap, but where that’s not necessarily the plan? This is a crucial step in the nap-planning process, as it will inform every subsequent decision in the making of a premium nap. Be realistic with yourself. Choose wisely.
The next decision in crafting your perfect nap is to pick a location. While comfort is obviously a priority, don’t let that eclipse the importance of the overall environment. Be mindful of others and yourself. Ask a roommate or close friend what kind of sleeper you are. Do you snore? Talk? Are you — forgive me — a gassy sleeper? These are essential problems to consider. If you’re a cute sleeper, you can pretty much curl up in the lobby of U.C. and go to town on that nap. But if, like me, you’re prone to looking frumpy as shit while sleeping in your coat at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday, you might want to seek out a little isolation. The library is excellent for this — plenty of remote corners and walled cubicles.
Third is your state of mind. Be realistic. Are you really likely to fit a nap into your two-hour break if you’re too busy fretting about the deadlines looming in your future? Don’t force it, because just sitting there staring at nothing in a silent panic isn’t going to help anything. Go write your paper or whatever.
On the other hand, recognize those moments when the only good move you have left is to go to sleep. If you stayed up late last night cramming for a test, and the test is in five hours, what do you think is a better choice: cramming for five more hours, or taking a nap? (The answer is the nap.) You’re just going to drive yourself into delirium by putting more stress on an overburdened brain. Turn off the lights. Go to sleep.