ANNE ARKEY
Special to the Lampoon
In an announcement issued Friday night, Fredonia student and complete idiot Anne Arkey, 22, admitted to having “really gone and done it this time,” saying she was “absolutely screwed” if she could not find a solution to the “like forty thousand dollars with a million percent interest” that she owes in student loans.
“I’m so dumb and stupid,” she told reporters. “Oh my god, I’m literally like a fish or a lizard or some animal that only has the brain functions necessary to eat or whatever. I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I got myself so deep in this.”
Her friends seem to agree. “Anne is definitely a dumbass moron,” said literally everyone she knows. “She should’ve gone to work in a factory right out of high school. Or been born in Europe, where she wouldn’t have had to burden herself with all this crushing debt that will damn her to a life of poverty, anxiety, smoking Kool brand cigarettes and eating tuna right out of the can for dinner.”
Research suggests that Arkey will likely die alone, with her debt unpaid. The great, dark looming presence of the massive loans she’s accrued over the last few years will likely frighten away every potential long-term romantic partner she encounters in her life — which is fine because she didn’t really want to get married anyway, but it was kind of nice to know it was always there, as a possibility — but which will still likely suck, overall. At least she will have the small comfort of knowing that her unpaid debt won’t be handed off to someone close to her, because there will be no one close to her. All thanks to how dumb and stupid she is. Idiot. Idiot.