ANITA TENSION
Special to the Lampoon
In an unprecedented move, a coalition of every research paper currently assigned to a Fredonia student, including the one currently assigned to you, issued an official statement Monday, announcing their collective plans to write themselves. The statement — which undoubtedly comes as a relief to all Fredonia students, including yourself — is the first sign of any action whatsoever being taken by anyone at all in relation to these particular research papers so far.
The coalition was formed after multiple research papers expressed concern that in the two weeks since they’d been assigned, not a single student had written a single word on any of them, or even looked up sources or whatever. Deciding it would be unrealistic to expect anyone else to write them, they decided to take matters into their own hands.
“No, no, it’s fine,” the official statement says. “Don’t worry about it, seriously. We’ll just develop our own compelling thesis statements and back them up with strong rhetoric and the thoughtful integration of relevant outside readings. No need to get up.”
The statement concludes with the assurance that “you’re totally off the hook,” and suggests that you “go out and have fun with all your little friends, since that’s all you seem to care about.”
There is one thing that the research papers unanimously agreed was still the responsibility of the students to whom they were assigned: printing the papers and turning them in. “Because we don’t have bodies,” the official statement concludes. “Because we’re research papers. Doing human stuff.”