RITA PAEPER
Special to the Lampoon
In a press conference last Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced a bold and innovative line of products powered entirely by the material emptiness of the owner.
“This is an historic moment,” said Cook. “Not only are these products slimmer, sleeker and narrower than ever before, but they are now powered entirely by an unfulfillable desire for more Apple products.”
The technology to perfectly harness consumer ennui has never been utilized in this way before. “When a consumer buys our products, they experience a brief moment of elation,” said Apple engineer Bob Mountford. “But this happiness almost instantly gives way to an insatiable vacuum of discontent. We tap into the consumer’s irresolvable needs, which are embedded into them through a lifetime of capitalist conditioning. We are now able to use this hopeless longing to power the many tablets, watches, laptops and phones that each person owns.”
By Friday, rumors were already circulating online that Apple would release a smaller, better and more effective ennuibased product in September.