ALLIE MARCY
Special to the Lampoon
Is there a single soul that isn’t lifted up by the opening bars of “Dancing Queen?” If so, why are you afraid to feel pure joy? Is it because it’s fleeting and only lasts three minutes and 51 seconds? All you need to do is set that track to repeat and keep on having the time of your life.
Is it because the “Dancing Queen” is seventeen and you’re old and bitter? Put the knitting needles away and turn off NCIS, because age is just a number and time is just a construct! Would “Dancing Queen” have its own Wikipedia page if it wasn’t culturally significant? Of course not!
It is scientifically proven, probably, that people who are sad experience joy for the first time ever after hearing just 30 seconds of this 1976 jam. You can play “Dancing Queen” anywhere; no one can resist ABBA, not even those people you graduated with who wear flannel and think the epitome of music is Garth Brooks. If they make fun of you, who cares? They’re probably robots, since anyone with the ability to feel can feel the power of ABBA. So this past Easter Sunday, I hope you put on a sparkly jumpsuit and praised our true lords and saviors, ABBA, instead of making plant crosses and getting weird water thrown at you.