ANNE ARKEY
Special to the Lampoon
After three consecutive attempts to scan the barcode on a case of 12 water bottles failed on Friday, gas station customer Mark Darrow, 43, was struck by a bolt of pure, unadulterated comic genius and put forth the theory that the item must be free.
Darrow, a regular customer at the gas station in question, has reportedly never failed to demonstrate in some way the degree to which his comic sensibility surpasses that of the everyday customer.
“I like to think of myself as a funny guy,” Darrow told the reporters who flocked to the scene after reports of uproarious and unceasing laughter issuing forth from the gas station drew attention earlier this week. “Like for example, the other day, I went in, and Dave, the cashier, was standing there looking out the window with a kind of glazed expression, and I’m like — get this — I’m like, ‘Hey man, sorry to wake you.’ Get it? Because he was at work and he looked tired? I thought that was pretty good.”
The cashier, David Hogan, says he is wellacquainted with Darrow’s hijinks.
“That jokester,” he told reporters. “He usually buys a coffee on his way to work, and the other day he came in and bought a granola bar instead. I said, ‘What, no coffee?’ and he replied, ‘No thanks, I gotta drive.’”
Darrow, a veritable wellspring of premium comic content, has also been known to pull all kinds of wild pranks such as refusing to let go of cash when the cashier goes to take it from his outstretched hand.
“Sometimes I also go in and ask for one winning lottery ticket, please,” Darrow told reporters before transcending this mortal plane and morphing into a being of pure comic sensibility.